Friday, December 16, 2011

Anxiety and Peace, Exhaustion and Rest

This is not the blog post I expected to write. It started out, in my thoughts, in a tired and slightly exasperated place. Not angry, but definitely tired. A little ironic.
But I'm happy now (not that there wasn't any happiness before, there was), and a comparison at the end (which was there almost from the start) took its full natural progression (the major late addition being the penultimate paragraph, and the first sentence of the last), so now it is what it is. Yay.

I have a feeling I accomplished two or three full days' worth of work today, in the space of eight hours.

I don't have full-time hours at my job. I'm only supposed to work four and a half hours a day.


I guess I'll work less when I get back, or something.

Hooray for vacation!

Speaking not of which, I'm tired. Or I was, when I was thinking of writing this. I've had a nap since.

You know that slightly panicked feeling? The one that comes when you know you really need to leave, if you don't leave soon you'll be working overtime and we Can't Have That, but you have to be sure to do X first, and oh, don't forget that other thing! And oh, was there something else? YES! There was! And it was vital!

You know, that feeling? Turns out it's oddly similar to the feeling you get when you're running at Seal Beach for Cross Country practice, doing laps from the pier to the jetty and back, and then from the pier to the other jetty and back, and then back to the first jetty and back... and everyone else on the team has finished the whole run, but you just made it back to the pier where they're waiting, and you have to turn around one more time and do the entire last pier-to-jetty-and-back stretch while they stand there and stretch and chat.

I'm glad I experienced that, and remembered it today. Because it wasn't as bad today as that was. Why, I didn't even hyperventilate! Not even a little bit!

Plus, it makes me associate the feeling with running, and I like running. I can't just think of anxiety when I think of running. It makes me think of peace and just-what-I-needed wandering thoughts and decompression and emotional processing and joy and rest and strength and healthy effort and healthy exhaustion and favorite places where I've run and the journeys we all must take and the natural order of things.

Thank You, God, for running, and beaches, and all other blessed Cross Country courses, and my own unofficial haunts near my apartment. For vacation. And for my job. And for music, for Marian Call and Kate Rusby and Thank You for life.

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