An Ordinary and Holy Tuesday

Someone, probably many someones, though I don't know who, have said not to compare others' outsides to your insides. And that's part of the trouble with social media -- it can make this more difficult. So, lest you see me at my best and think I have it all together... ( O_o )

This is Joy, if you can't tell. Ha.

This morning I was very, very frustrated with my children. My oldest, my (codename) Gracie girl, kept disobeying me, disrespecting me, the works. And she's five, so it's stupid stuff like sticking her tongue out at me, but somehow it still hurts. There was constant crying, constant drama, the baby is teething (codename Serena), you get the idea. Finally I got all three out into the car so we could make it to (codename) Joy's 2 1/2 year well-check. Late, but make it.

As I drove I did some thinking. With the music turned up, to try to ignore the crying about the water bottle that dropped on the floor that Gracie was demanding I return to her. I guess I was supposed to stop the car for it? I'm not sure she thought it through.

Anyway, I was thinking. Does the disrespect upset me so much because I want my kids to grow into kind and respectful people? Or is it about my own ego, and wanting life to be easy, pleasant, and comfortable? I'm pretty sure it's the second one.* I love them so much! Can't I lay down a bit of pride for them, and patiently teach them it's wrong to try to hurt others in our anger?

I was taking some comfort in how even Jesus was frustrated at times by His disciples' slowness.

Then we arrived at the appointment. Except, it turned out, we didn't have an appointment at all. Apparently they called me way back in January to reschedule, because Joy's doctor is on vacation this week, but I completely forgot about it and never called them back. Oops.

I felt crushed, defeated, done, and angry at the world. Because I want life to be easy and pleasant. Even now, hours later, honestly all I want is to be left alone to eat cookies and candy. (Since I already ate them all, I'm currently settling for crackers.)

I'm not like Jesus.

But. I'm also refusing to beat myself up for not being like Jesus. No matter how I feel, He calls me saint, precious, Beloved.

The reason He calls us to lay down our lives and follow Him is not because our lives are trash, worthless. We are precious. Just like our children, He patiently shapes and forms us.

Grace, Grace, Grace

I am not Jesus. But as He makes me more like Him He is more patient with me than I am with my children, thank God.

"God our Father, you see your children growing up in an unsteady and confusing world: Show them that your ways give more life than the ways of the world, and that following you is better than chasing after selfish goals. Help them to take failure, not as a measure of their worth, but as a chance for a new start. Give them strength to hold their faith in you, and to keep alive their joy in your creation; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." -The Book of Common Prayer

"Heavenly Father, you sent your own Son into this world. We thank you for the life of these children, entrusted to our care. Help us to remember that we are all your children, and so to love and nurture them, that they may attain to that full stature intended for them in your eternal kingdom; for the sake of your dear Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." -The Book of Common Prayer

"O God, by the passion of your blessed Son you made an instrument of shameful death to be for us the means of life: Grant us so to glory in the cross of Christ, that we may gladly suffer shame and loss for the sake of your Son our Savior Jesus Christ; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen." -The Book of Common Prayer

Don't think that because I'm thinking about this, because I want to be more like Jesus and want to be more selfless and patient with my kids, I have it all together and am so spiritual or something.

"Not because we are naively privileged and have no real sense of sorrow or suffering. No, we are called to rejoice because God's joyous presence is. And through the practice of celebrating, we learn to see it and embrace it and fan it into flame. 

"Have you ever undergone physical therapy? I once had to relearn the use of my left hand, and the therapy required was painful. It wasn't fun; it was suffering. I didn't go to the therapist because I took so much joy in bending my broken fingers again and again, but because I had so much pain in the practice. 

"Likewise, we don't draw our attention to the daily miracles of life and beauty because we are so peaceful and joyful, but because we are miserable, tense, and worried. Celebration is practice, and spiritual disciplines are physical therapy for the soul. With each painful repetition we gain a bit more mobility, a bit more strength. We wouldn't need so many reminders to rejoice unless we so often didn't feel like rejoicing. Mindful celebration is how we turn our troubled spirits to God and choose life. One tiny baby step at a time. 

"Like when I'm rushing to the store and make a left-hand turn onto the highway, right into the most magnificent sunset. Or when I'm walking down the sidewalk and notice the beads of dew still clinging to the velvet-soft leaves of my newly budding trees. Or when I'm interrupted after bedtime again the evening before my deadline and notice how sweet my girl looks in her footie pajamas. 

"Of course, this might not be enough. There may be deep problems that plague your spirit, that call for radical interventions. After all, cancer is not cured by physical therapy! If you are experiencing abuse, you need help and a major life change. If you're experiencing depression or a mental illness, you need competent, compassionate clinical help. But throughout it all, celebration is the daily practice that will make us stronger, that will shine a bit more light into our spirits, day after difficult day. 

"Yes, we rejoice in these everyday miracles not because we are so happy, but because we desperately need the practice." -Long Days of Small Things: Motherhood as a Spiritual Discipline by Catherine McNiel

You are not alone.



*ETA: Although I'm pretty sure I want life to be easy and pleasant, I shouldn't make it sound as though it isn't okay to be upset when our children behave badly. Wanting or expecting things to be pleasant adds extra agitation, but maybe it hurts because... it hurts when those we love try to hurt us? Not to mention that helping three little ones to regulate their emotions is exhausting and draining. Depleting. When we lay down our lives, no one ever said that would be easy or painless; that's why it's called sacrifice. Again, we aren't called to lay down our lives because our lives are worthless. We are made in the image of God and redeemed by His blood. We are worthy of love and respect. As are our precious children.