Because we crack ourselves up.

No, not the royal we. There were two of us. With the cracking.

And because I know you were wondering about the true depth of my nerdery and weirdness. Admit it. You were. Um.

Or if you were just wanting to read something funny... that works, too. At least, it does if you have a certain sort of temperament, and certain interests. You might not find it too amusing otherwise.

So, Melanie and I had this conversation on facebook a couple days ago. Mostly us, a few other people at the beginning and end.

I've rearranged some of the comments for flow and clarity, as sometimes one of us would post something before seeing the other person's technically earlier comment. But that, removing a last name here and there, and adding some links are all the changes I've made. The part at the beginning isn't quite as entertaining to me, but I've included it anyway because it sets the stage a little better than I seem to be able to manage with summary.

Melanie's original status: "Heh, I just realized I'm not sure I've spoken a single word today. Funny thing about living alone and staying home sick. Kind of nice given what my throat feels like. :P

No, wait, Peter called me. Talking to him hurt... 

Hmm, I find myself wondering when, if ever, I truly haven't spoken a word in a given day. Even on those days when I did nothing but read I generally met family when I emerged to get food... and if I stay home alone all day I normally call someone..." 

• Melanie: ‎...and if I'm home all day and no one is around and my throat isn't on fire, I'm afraid I am somewhat likely to say a few words out loud to myself anyway...

• Liz: Yeah, that is unlikely to happen for me. I talk to inanimate objects. And the cat.

• Kate: I usually catch myself singing... today it's been the Imperial March and She's Out of Our Hair from Monster's Inc (among other things)

• Melanie: Oh, if we count singing, there is virtually zero chance that there has ever been such a day since I was a very small child.
  
  I even sang a couple lines today, though I forced myself to stop because it's dumb to risk the damage to my voice that is at least somewhat possible from singing when sick. And because it hurt a lot and my voice didn't sound good anyway, but those were lesser reasons. :P

• Kate: Yeah, it's can feel good, but hurt at the same time, probably best to take it easy.

• Me: Yeah, a sore throat is one of the few times when I'm not feeling well that it *isn't* a good idea to listen to Marian Call. Because it's so hard to keep from singing along.
  
  I said hi to the lettuce the other day. John thinks this is weird.

• Melanie: John *would* think that. :nods:
  
  Say hi to Llaves-sama for me.

• Me: Will do. As soon as I'm alone in this room... :D

• Me: THERE. Llaves-sama has been greeted.

• Melanie: Yay! Thank you. :D

• Melanie: ‎(Major points to anyone not us who figures out what "Llaves-sama" means.)

• Me: Oh, by the way, this was actually little sprouts of lettuce growing in a planter, not lettuce from the fridge. Because, you know. This MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

• Melanie: Oh! Well then OF COURSE you said hello. Silly John. :)

• Me: EXACTLY. ^_^ I mean, they didn't even used to be there. They were all new and cute.
  
  Not that I'm above saying hi to a boring old mature lettuce from a fridge, but STILLLLL... :D

• Melanie: On a *completely* unrelated note, ;) I do love knowing little bits of four languages. Marcy, did I ever tell you about the time I said, hmm, I think it was, "Pues, adieu until mañana"? Because I said it. Naturally. Without trying. (If I had been trying, I would have said, "Jaa, adieu until mañana.")

• Me: I'm not sure if you did or not. I like it.
  
  LITERALLY.
  
  Um. "How jolly the lot of an oligoglot!"

• Melanie: It *was* a little frustrating in French class, when I finally got over my habit of saying "pero" in the middle of my French sentences, only to have to fight saying "demo." "Mais" only got used with a very conscious effort...

• Melanie: ‎"Literally." Haha!

• Me: Yeah, but "How frustrating (at times) the lot of an oligoglot" just does NOT have the same ring to it. :-P

• Melanie: No. Nor is it as true. Oligoglocy is jolly. :D

• Me: You said "oligoglocy." *giggles*

• Melanie: Why yes, I did! I thought you would enjoy that. :bows:

• Me: ‎:claps:

• Me: I feel like I should blog this conversation. It's entertaining ME vastly, anyway.

• Melanie: And me. And we're totally normal specimans of humanity, after all.

• Me: TOTALLY. Well, I'm pretty sure my blog isn't exactly for normal specimens... but yeah.
  
  Ooh, I have a niche, finally! Um, right, Marcy. Because naturally, ALL non-normal specimens of humanity will LOVE *your* blog. Naturally.

• Melanie: Naturally! WHY WOULDN'T THEY?

• Me: ALL THE REASONS! Er, I mean, NONE OF THE REASONS!!!

• Melanie: Oo, maybe your niche is oligoglots? That would be jolly.

• Me: Ooh, yeah, but just the jolly oligoglots. None of those mopey ones. *nods*

• Melanie: Do you ever wonder if anyone else has ever said exactly the same sentence before? Because I'm pretty sure we've gotten some completely original sentences in here.

• Me: ‎^_^ Seems likely. I've wondered that with a twitter hashtag before, and had it confirmed that no one else had... but I couldn't use it, ended up being too long.

• Melanie: How could any oligoglot be mopey? IMPOSSIBLE.

• Me: You'd think. :) Maybe some of them are less... enthusiastically nerdy oligoglots, and more... ACCIDENTAL OLIGOGLOTS. Hai.

• Melanie: Demo c'est tan jolly! How could even accidental oligoglots fail to see how jolly their lot??!?

• Me: The mind boggles, ma'am.

• Melanie: Hai.

• Me: So, I added my latest twitter updates to my blog sidebar. So next time I make a comment about it, there it is! Woo!

• Me: There ought to be a word for people who speak quotes from several sources. Or at least make references to them. So far in the last hour or so I've channeled Willow, Tohru, and Jeeves. :is proud: Though Tohru was semi-accidental.

• Me: Oh, right. We're called "nerds."
  
  Yeah, but that's not as... *specific* as I want.

• Melanie: Oo, I missed Willow... but only because her style of speech is so natural on you. ^__^

• Me: ‎:) Well, that was actually on twitter. And the first "HAI" was there, too.

• Melanie: Ohhh... Okay. Well, some of what you've said here wouldn't be out of place in Willow's mouth. :)

 

• Me: I suppose not. This makes me happy. :) Hi, Willow!
  
  Other part of brain: Um, she's not exactly here, you know...
  Me: <_<   >_> And this makes a difference because...?

• Melanie: ‎"Willow, Tohru, and Jeeves walk into a bar..."

• Me: I WANT TO SEE THAT. ^_^

• Melanie: ME TOO.

• Melanie: And the bartender says, "Who IS that girl?"

• Me: ‎:drools:

• Melanie: And Jeeves says, "Honda Tohru-san, sir."

• Me: ‎:giggles:

• Me: Keep going, keep going... :is unhelpful with the creation of this awesome fan fic:

• Melanie: And the bartender says, "No, I mean the Eskimo!"

• Me: Duh! And Jeeves looks very slightly disgruntled.

• Melanie: It is, of course, even better when Willow, Tohru, Jeeves, and Binabik walk into a bar.

• Me: O_o
  
  Well, we knew if we really wanted we could add other awesome characters, but... well played, ma'am. Well played.

• Melanie: I'm not sure exactly where the conversation goes from there, but it becomes very difficult to prevent Jeeves from pouring everyone's drinks and to prevent Tohru from doing, well, everything.

• Me: ‎^_^ Indeed. And Binabik probably shares some wise sayings, maybe even some that we haven't heard before. I mean, he doesn't tend to repeat himself with those. As far as we know. Ooh...

• Melanie: I have no talent for writing Binabik-like proverbs, but they would definitely add.

• Me: ‎:tries to think of a Qanuc saying to tone down Tohru's fervor for doing everything: :fails, but is amused:

• Melanie: ‎"The bees are not thanking you for making honey."
  
  ...Not quite, especially since I don't think bees do well on mountain peaks, but it's my most valiant attempt.

• Me: ‎:nods: It's pretty good (:is impressed:), but you're right, we need a mountain-peak-type phenomenon.

• Melanie: ‎(I just barely caught myself in time not to say "Bees do not thank...")

• Me: Heh heh, that would be Wrong.

• Me: Ooh, maybe something along the lines of, "The fish are not needing you to teach them to swim"?? But with more doing, less teaching...

• Melanie: Yeah, and that's too derivative of English proverbs. Binabik is never derivative.

• Me: Very true.

• Me: I forgot.

• Me: I mean, the English proverbs, not that Binabik is never derivative.

• Melanie: Hee hee. "If the bears are not eating you, then it is home." Hee hee. ♥ Binabik.

• Me: That's not a new one at all! :is offended: :not really:

• Me: ‎"Send the man with the oily tongue to go and lick the snowshoes."

• Melanie: Nor appropriate to the situation. Just... remembering...

• Me: Indeed.

• Melanie: Let me see, "The goats are not asking you to be making them fur coats"?

• Me: Ooh, I like it.

• Me: Come to think of it, he could tell this to Jeeves AND Tohru. Everybody wins!

• Melanie: Especially everyone else in the bar!

• Me: Yes, especially the EVERYONE.

• Me: But Willow might *think* he somehow is talking to her too, since she's dressed like an Eskimo. Fur and all. Though he might be wearing some too, not because it's hot, but because what else does he have...?

• Me: Heh heh, no Willow, he's not calling you a goat.

• Melanie: Yes. And I find myself wanting Oz to be playing in a band or something so he can be oddly fascinated by Binabik. ;)

• Me: ‎:D But he needs to be oddly fascinated by Willow! Oh wait, that's not odd. And yeah, Oz and Binabik... I think they would get along.

• Melanie: Right? Though I was mostly just making a, "No, the Eskimo!" joke.

• Me: They can talk with Willow about animal cookies and monkey pants.

• Melanie: Um, so I should probably eat something today...

• Me: You should. Besides animal cookies and monkey pants. :nods:
  
  Hee hee. "See, I like that you're unpredictable..."

• Melanie: You know a Facebook comment thread has run amok when you feel compelled to excuse yourself when you need to go.

• Me: Hmmph. As long as you come back later, young lady. ^_^
  
  Um, I should probably actually do some work... >_>

• Me: I have decided on a blog title. It shall be named, "Because we crack ourselves up."

• Kate: You ladies crack me up too.

• Me: Oh good. Thanks! That makes three of us. :D But hey, it's ALL of the people who've stated a preference one way or the other! So there ya go!

• Me: Ooh, I'm thinking after Binabik's line Tohru will apologize profusely, then get all flustered, trying to figure out what to do if she's not helping people. Jeeves might say, "Quite right, sir," bow, and continue serving drinks with full aplomb.

• Melanie: That sounds extremely accurate.

• Melanie: If Tohru gets it. She might not.

• Melanie: Jeeves might have to explain.

• Melanie: Hee hee... :remembers:
  
  "I'm SO SORRY!" :shakes cat-Kyo in her vehemence:

• Me: He might. Ooh, I don't think she'd apologize to Jeeves for explaining and shake him (she'd apologize to Binabik), but... it'd be awesome if she did. I'm imagining the dignity. Heh heh. YOSH.

• Melanie: YOSH.
  
  While I'm getting carried away... :imagines Chiyo-chan there too:

• Melanie: The best character combination ever, of course, remains Ranma-meets-Kyo.

• Melanie: Because there is such a long inevitable string of events which ensues ending in Ranma shrieking and running away in terror.

• Melanie: I think we don't have nearly enough of Willow's reactions to the whole situation.

• Me: Now that's just crazy talk. :D The Chiyo-chan part, I mean.

• Melanie: Yeah, Chiyo-chan isn't old enough to drink! :realizes that Willow and Tohru aren't either:

•  Me: Yeah, but Willow would just get the thing on her hand and look all cute about it.

• Melanie: ‎Marcy, you know why Ranma shrieks and runs away, right?

• Me: Because he's girl-type Ranma and hugs Kyo??

• Melanie: Well, you've got a lot of it.

• Melanie: First inevitable event: They get in a fight. (Duh. It's Ranma and Kyo.)

• Me: Well yeah.

• Melanie: Second inevitable event: They fall in a pool of water, or it starts raining, or someone splashes them, or something. (Duh. It's Ranma fighting.)

• Melanie: Third inevitable event: Ranma turns into girl-type Ranma.

• Me: Indeed. Inevitable.

• Melanie: You've got it from there.

• Melanie: Well, and they would probably fall in while grappling, which would count as a hug.

• Me: I think Willow would react rather more calmly than everyone else. Well, except for Jeeves. Okay, she might freak out. *Quietly.*

• Melanie: Binabik would be pretty calm too. Tohru would be the loud, frantic one.

• Me: Yes. I think Willow would mostly watch, and be quiet and frantic if they tried to draw her in in weird ways. Make her go on stage or something.

• Ron: By the way, I'm mostly just amused that y'all managed 118 comments on a post that was originally just about not talking much that day.
  
  I'm pretty sure the conversation qualifies as a tangent.

• Melanie: ‎*A* tangent? We took tangents upon tangents, sir! WE ARE TANGENT MASTERS!!!

• Melanie: You will note, though, that I was a little starved for human conversation. In that sense, it was all applicable.

Marian Call

Not the best pic ever, but I was busy listening, didn't want to spend much time attempting a better shot. Especially since I was in the front of the front row and feeling conspicuous.

A month ago I reviewed the song "In the Black" by Marian Call. I actually intend this to be the beginning of a series of posts about her songs, but I wanted to jump right in and do that review before introducing the series, especially because the timing felt so right.

So here I am. Introducing the series.

"Uh, who's Marian Call?"

Oh right, I should introduce her if I'm introducing a series about her, huh? Well, she's an indie singer-songwriter from Alaska who sounds a bit like Joni Mitchell, but with maybe a little more jazz influence, who writes songs with clever subtle lyrics. That's the short version. Arguably the rest of this blog post is the long version. Or, of course, you can click on the above link for info directly from her.

 

 "Why review her songs, when the vast majority of your reviews are of books?

 If you really have to, wouldn't just one post do? Like that post about Battlestar music?"

Glad you asked. I've been thinking about doing this for a while. For one thing, it'd be more efficient -- I keep gushing about her on facebook and in emails, but instead I could just link to these! Well, to some extent, anyway. I might not have to repeat myself quite as much, which would be nice. At any rate, I discovered through all the gushing that I have plenty to say about her music. I'd enjoy saying those things here.

I've talked with her a little bit on twitter (@mariancall), and when I mentioned toying with the idea of a series like this, but said my blog doesn't exactly reach that many, her answer was, "Hey, do it! I will enjoy reading them at least!" So there you go. That makes two of us. But I'll try to make them entertaining for the rest of you! Feel free to yell at me if they're not.

"But why listen?"

Why do I listen to Marian Call? Why might you enjoy listening to Marian Call? The fastest answer might be to go listen to some of it. She's put it all online to stream for free. But I'll admit, the first song or so that I listened to didn't excite me like this. I had another friend (@Joi_the_Artist) who gushed like I do now, and I listened a little more and more and more... Her songs really reward repeated listens.

Lyrics. Ohmygoodness lyrics.

Now I'll freely admit, I'm a lyrics gal. Don't get me wrong, the music is great, but that's not what made me fall in love. There are instrumental pieces out in the world which I love, and I'm pretty sure I've even loved songs which had lyrics I couldn't quite make out, or never understood; but... lyrics are pretty much the key to my heart. I'll even forgive some semi-awful music for great lyrics. Once in a while. (Didn't have to do that for her, yay!)

I mean, again, I'm Quettandil. Word Lover. This should surprise no one.

Ever watched the movie Music and Lyrics? You should, it's good. Hugh Grant isn't my favorite, but he's surprisingly perfect for a washed-up '80s pop star. Anyway, there's a novelist and a lyricist in the movie. The novelist has done something bad to the lyricist (I'm trying to be vague to avoid spoilers, though this isn't quite central to the plot), and someone makes a comment to the lyricist that writing lyrics to huge hit songs will "show him." Or something to that effect. She replies that it won't exactly impress him. (He writes literary fiction. Snooty stuff.)

Well, this wannabe novelist is impressed. I mean, Marian Call's songs have layers of meaning, metaphors all over the place, they're clever, they're most certainly not repetitive. Many of them are subtle enough that I don't catch the double meanings the first time I listen, or even the second or third or fourth, necessarily. Whether direct or subtle, they're always clever. (For an example of very direct and obvious metaphors, delightful and funny ones that make the song, you can either wait for me to someday review "The Avocado Song," or you can click here for the song and lyrics.) After listening to Marian Call, should I happen to hear some random pop song, my reaction tends to be, "Wait, that's all? You didn't have anything else to say? Couldn't have phrased it just a little differently?"

Well okay, music too.

No, of course the similar-to-Joni-Mitchell sound doesn't hurt. Or the way she makes the music fit the lyrics, in more ways and places than I've even noticed, I'm sure. "Dear Mister Darcy" is a good example, check out the recurring "...but not quite" bit.

Nerdiness

Oh, and did I mention that she has a whole album inspired by Firefly and Battlestar Galactica? Which begins with The Nerd Anthem? She does. Awesome, I know. Just keep in mind that again, some of it is pretty subtle. It's not parody. She has some things in common with Jonathan Coulton (the aforementioned nerdiness and all-around teh awesomeness, for starters, perhaps), but that's not quite what you should be expecting.

I don't know what to call this. Awesome philosophy and respect for both fans and art, I guess.

She has a pretty great philosophy about sharing her music. Check out this wonderful post about her Pseudo-Scholarship Fund. Very good balance between valuing the music and artist with making it freely available to people. Heck, it's not a balance, per se. It's lots of both. "Enthusiastic cheer!"

Bring the nerdiness and the awesome philosophy together...

And that was before Kickstarter really took off. I haven't spent a lot of time looking at Kickstarter projects, but even if I had, I wouldn't be surprised if I still thought the theme song and video to her Kickstarter project, "Marian Call's European Adventure Quest," was pretty much the best thing on Kickstarter ever. There's this cool game, and everything! Explained through song! Questing! Awesome prizes! Okay, that last bit's kind of normal on Kickstarter, almost by definition, but stillll.... Um, you should watch the video.

She's worth it. As a person.

She's nice. Kind. She really cares about her fans. On top of everything else, that's why she has my undying loyalty. And money. She makes it easy to realize there's a person behind her music, and to want to support that person.

She replied on twitter to my review of "In the Black," said, "I only just had time to read your 'In the Black' blog post tonight, and it really touched me. Sending good wishes your way. Thank you for really knowing and loving one of my songs. That is the highest possible honor. I made it for you." Awwww!

I was talking with her on twitter several months ago to arrange a physical copy of Got to Fly for a sister of mine in Hawaii, who didn't have the internet speed to download it herself. I could've paid for the download and shipped it out, but I thought I'd see if Marian Call had a magical office worker bee who could do it, and she did. I agreed to pay a little bit for her time. And then... March happened. So as we were finishing up the details, I told her "And one last thing: just received very very bad news this morning, and your music is helping, as usual. Thank you!" At which point she said, "Don't worry about the cost, it's on me." I explained that my bad news wasn't affecting my sister, who was going to be paying me back anyway, but she still gave the CD away for free.

This really touched me, possibly more than anything anyone else did or said at that time. It wasn't much perhaps, but the fact that she'd do it, as a stranger who had no idea at all what my bad news was about? It meant something, at least to me.

I would worry about telling this story, lest you take advantage of her generosity, but well, there's already a system in place for you to get free CDs from her if you ask. (See the Pseudo-Scholarship Fund, above.) Please don't abuse this. Because, as I think this story and others illustrate, she is well worth supporting. Heck, good art is worth supporting, even if you don't like the artist. How much more so when you do?

Concert story and pics to come!

Alright, I think this miiiight be lengthy enough. Stay tuned for a post about my very first Marian Call concert, just last week (from whence the beginning pic comes). It will be shorter than this one. Probably.

Because sometimes I run out of different ways to say "AWESOME." Really. I do.

Until then, be sure to check out Marian Call's upcoming concerts and see if she's coming to an area near you.

Flash Fiction Contest

Writer Unboxed is having a "7 Sizzling Sundays of Summer Flash Fiction Contest." For stories of 250 words or less. Rules and prizes are at the previous link, and here's the latest writing prompt, open for submissions until early Wednesday morning (4 a.m. Pacific Time).

Thought my writing friends might be interested. You've missed two weeks, but there's still time to participate this week and for three more weeks. And hey, lots of good little stories to read, too. This is a more serious writing website than some. Not very amateurish. Donald Maass and Juliet Marillier are even among their blog's regular contributors, which is pretty awesome. (I haven't yet reviewed Writing the Breakout Novel by Maass, though I loved it, but I've reviewed five of Marillier's books -- probably easiest to find them by heading over to my Book Reviews by Author page and scrolling down to Marillier.) Anyway, all that to say, maybe that's why most of the entries seem to be of a fairly high quality. All of them are available to read in the comments. And if you want you can just read the best of the best by looking for the winners and the honorable mentions announced each following week.

I entered the opening week (same link as the rules and prizes above) and this week (yeah, latest writing prompt link). So there's that, too. The labels on this post that don't seem to relate to the content here are about those stories. I wasn't very creative -- based both stories very strongly off myself -- but hey, they don't know that! Shh, don't tell.

Melanie! Books! Writing! Celebration!

Yes. That.

Well, you know how, last week, I wanted to celebrate The Antepenultimate Blog Post hitting 1000 pageviews? Probably not, since I hadn't linked to it anywhere else yet. Well, I did. Want to celebrate, that is. You don't have to take my word for it, you can read the post.

Um. And you know how, when I added the list of popular posts to the sidebar, I talked about (next-to-last paragraph) how I'd thought of featuring an eleventh post every now and then, as well as a post from someone else's blog?

Let it be so!!!

Or something like that.

I will start a series. In each post in this series, I will feature a blog. And a few favorites from the blog. Because I may be the one person on the internet who doesn't particularly like reading "link roundup" posts, but one blog at a time? Okay, I can do that. Today it will be my sister Melanie! Parmandil. As you know, since you clicked on the link.

I think I will also experiment with headings today. Woo, shiny.

Parmandil: Stories and Writing

Faramir

A passionate, in-depth explanation of why, in The Lord of the Rings, the movie's version of Faramir is a mutilation. Yet she understands the difference between the book and film mediums, and loves the movies, too. This isn't crazy talk or nit-picking.

Books that have changed my perspective in important ways

An amazing list of books, and some of the best things about said books, beautifully highlighted. There are just a few on the list I haven't read yet, and I'm going to have to, now.

The Diary of Briar Rose (better draft)

A draft of the beginning of a novel she's working on. I love it. I really really want to see her finish and publish it. Especially the finishing, so I can read the whole thing, and not just be stuck with a very intriguing beginning. But publishing, while it would be wonderful for her in general, would ALSO be good for the story -- editors, and whatnot. Yay! Though I and others have given Melanie a few critiques on this draft, for it could be better, don't let that fool you. It's not at all bad now. I think you'll enjoy it. Especially if you like fairy tale retellings, as I do.

The Diary of Briar Rose

This draft, while written later, is not her favorite draft of it, as the above is. But you might be interested in reading this one if you're interested in the writing process and suchlike. Overall it isn't quite as good, but there are a few things about it I really liked and would like to see included in the final version. The worldbuilding mechanics are especially good in this one, they just need to be in a less exposition-ey form, eventually. Expository. That's the word.

Quettandil: Creative Writing?

And then there's an old favorite of mine from my own blog. I'm tagging the posts in this series as "featured," and any with my own writing as "hopefully underrated." Because I do hope they are.

Masks

My posts about my mother are some of the most popular here, though that might have a bit to do with facebook tags and such. They're... highly emotional. I'll "spoil" my "Masks" poem just a bit for you by saying outright: yes, it's about my mother. It might even be the first Mom post I put up here. If my tags can be trusted, it is.

Celebration! ?

The Antepenultimate Blog Post hit 1000 pageviews today! Yeah, I don't get a lot of traffic. Relatively speaking. The second highest post, First Post, has 231. Er, and I guess it could've hit a thousand yesterday, with no hits today, and I just happened to notice today... but at any rate, thousand! Woo! Yay!

We should do something to celebrate. Hmm. I'll keep you posted on that. I think I might start a series featuring my favorites from other blogs, with an occasional old favorite of my own posts that haven't gotten much attention thrown in, here and there. That could be fun.

Oh, by the way...

...for anyone wondering because of the end of my "In the Black" post, the weekend I referred to, at the end of June, went pretty well for me. There were a couple bad moments, but overall it was good. Restful. Not very productive, but it gave me the energy to start the following week well. Ooh, and I had a ton of fun seeing Brave with Joi. Those of you who thought of and/or prayed for me, thank you.

As for my friend's family, well, moving is a long adjustment. They made it to their new state safely, but I think they could still use your prayers. Thanks again.

Control and God and Us

I have a tendency to do stupid things when I'm feeling out of control. My underlying unhelpful belief seems to be that I get my control from passive rebellion. That is, as long as it doesn't involve direct conflict, making the wrong choice makes me feel more powerful than the right one. At least temporarily. After all, if I do the thing I'm supposed to do, I'm just letting other people and factors push me into it, right? If I do the opposite, it's my choice. I think that's the emotional thought process operating below the surface.

Everything that I feel I should do is in danger, even if it's something I really want to do. Even small things like replying to an email (sorry, friends). Of course this leads to feeling even more out of control, for I'm not following through. I'm all over the place, and I can't trust my future self not to sabotage my present self's desires.

Now, what Christians like to tell anyone having control issues (or to just say in general, informing the public at regular intervals) is that God is in control.

This is very true. He is. I'm not, or, at least, I'm not in control of quite a lot of things.

This is an important distinction. Maybe if I were a better person the fact that God is in control would be sufficiently comforting and helpful. But then again, maybe there's another truth, not so frequently mentioned, that He wants me to grasp. Just maybe.

See, God is in control, but He's given us a certain measure of control as well. That's why we're held responsible for our actions -- He's given us choices! We have the power to decide how we will act! Isn't that... control? Yes, yes, I think it is.

So no, I don't have power over life and death. I can't make the sun shine or water fall from the sky. But I am not one hundred percent helpless, either. I have power, and I will be held accountable for that power. That's important. Really, really important.

I mean, even if you're a hardcore Calvinist, you still have to do something with all the passages in the Bible that hold us responsible for our actions. There's a tension there, and woe to him who destroys that tension in order to fit everything into his nice little box. I once heard it said, "Pray like a Calvinist, live like an Arminian." I can go with that.

You (O theoretical Calvinist) might say that God is still in control of our hearts, desires, and decisions, but that He will punish us for our wrong decisions nonetheless, and who are we to question God? I don't believe that's supported by the whole of Scripture, but even so, in practice, regardless of who you believe has ultimate control of your decisions, don't you try not to sin and to live a holy life? That's more or less what I'm talking about here. Living in accordance with God's will, how He's designed you to live. (If you don't know what Calvinists and Arminians are, don't worry about it. These paragraphs are written to those who have a hangup on this issue.)

So what does this mean? When I find myself doing stupid things because I feel out of control, what should I tell myself, if not "God is in control"?

Well, I've started reminding myself of the decisions I've made recently. This includes the decision to get out of bed, and at what time. It might not seem like much, but some days, it really is. I might think I don't have a choice, but I do. If I'm in that "let's do stupid things because I feel out of control" mode, I often get up way too late, and even make myself late for work. Sometimes very late. To just shut the world out and stay in bed all day, hiding under the covers? Yeah, I bet I could do that. Given sufficient depression, yeah. I could do it, and screw the consequences.

So I remind myself that I didn't, that I got out of bed. And so on. Good and bad, I look at the decisions I've made. Then I look at the decisions coming up that I'll be able to make.

Weird that reminding myself of my screwups can make me feel a little more safe, but it can. Because I had the power to make those screwups. They weren't inevitable, they were choices. I might make them again, but I really don't have to. I don't have to. Okay, it might seem obvious to you, but it means a lot to me.

It's no easy instant fix for all that ails me, but it does help a little. Thank God.

On the other hand, it is true that it's not a technique that seems to ever be portrayed in Scripture. I'm trying to think what was normally said to the people in the Bible who just wanted to curl up in a little ball because the world seemed like too much...

There was Elijah, running off into the desert. Hmm. God's answers in such cases seem... complicated. Individual. Unique.

Anyone else see a pattern here that I'm not getting? Am I wrong, does God tend to just tell people to trust Him?