Postpartum Birthday Dreaming

I turned thirty years old this year. Yay! No, really, yay. I'll blog about it sometime. But that's not what this post is about.

I turned thirty eight days after Gracie was born. (Several days after that, Robin McKinley turned sixty. Coincidence? Um, yes.) I got some sleep for my birthday. It was delightful.

I had two noteworthy dreams that day.

In the first, someone gave me some sort of explosive for some reason, I think. I had to walk very slowly and smoothly with it, and other people were constantly walking too fast for me, leaving me behind.

Kind of like the slow careful hobbling around one does after giving birth... Possibly while holding a baby, even.

In the second... oh, the second. Oh my. Let's see. Well, I had to go to the police department and talk to a clerk to make sure they weren't going to arrest me. I'd been given a ticket, and John and I had mailed it in, but it might have been too late, I wasn't sure. So I had to go talk to someone and see.

The first clerk I talked to was quite mean. I told him I'd just had a baby on Tuesday. (Later I remembered that it was Sunday, and I'd gotten out of the hospital on Tuesday.) I told him I didn't remember the exact date of the "speeding incident." He said, "So you're admitting you speed all the time?" Don't ask me. I argued with him about it, but I remember that my argument was rather different from the one I came up with when I woke up. More along the lines of not admitting that I was speeding even on the day I received a ticket, I think?... but never mind.

The first clerk went away. I expected him to come back, but he didn't, so I left as well, or tried to. I think I got lost in the building, and they were closing... someone found me, I went back to the spot with the clerks... I think someone else was in line, but that guy was there all the time, so they cut him off and let me go.

This second clerk was better. This time I explained that I had a baby on Sunday and got out of the hospital on Tuesday, with trepidation that I'd get in trouble for changing my story, but it was fine.

And then... somewhere in there I think the clerk changed again, because I think at first he was a man, but later definitely a woman, but I don't remember any actual change. The infraction changed, too, something about knocking a road sign over, a Very Serious Offense. Because somehow in the next part of the dream I remember, she was proving that it couldn't have been me, based on the positioning of the sign, because I'm not lefthanded!!!

Yes, this clerk was much nicer.

We went out to the scene of the crime, and we figured out that actually a righthanded person could have done it -- a righthanded person could have thrown a snowball at it. A motion that crosses the body.

But it still wasn't me. Some suspicious person who carted snow out here...

Or wait! Maybe it's artificial snow, produced chemically! Further investigation showed that the ground under our feet had a suspiciously snow-like texture! And if you dug down a little, yes, it was cold underneath.

But then, once the snow was produced, I think we decided that the wind could have swirled it around to knock down the sign? It wasn't very clear. But somewhere around there we decided the area was kind of freaky, and that we wanted to leave.

So we did.

The End.

Obvious Dream Interpretation

Last night I dreamed I was on a group event, like a class field trip sort of a thing, only not that. We stopped for food at a restaurant/grocery store. The restaurant part was selling nice big plates of food. They were expensive for me, almost $20, but I eventually decided to get one. I was at the very back of the line. When the person in front of me was ordering, I noticed I didn't have any money on me -- no pockets, no purse. But I'd set a bunch of my stuff down nearby, including my wallet. This wasn't particularly bad in the dream, there didn't seem to be any problem with leaving money unattended, but it meant I had to dash over to get some money and then back to order my food. Unfortunately, the cashier disappeared while I was doing my money dash, and didn't seem to be coming back. No food for Marcy.

Then I woke up. As usual when I wake up these days, I was very hungry and nauseous.

The unusual part was that it was a little before two in the morning. :sigh:

It's possible the morning sickness is getting worse. Don't get me wrong, I still haven't thrown up, so I don't have it particularly bad, as such things go. Did dry heave a couple times yesterday morning. That's always a fun way to start the day. But, depending on my exact due date, I've pretty much completed my first trimester. Woo! So the morning sickness may disappear any time now. Any time now. I'm waiting...

"These are a few of my least favorite things..."

Wait, that's not how it goes.

Shh, don't tell anyone, but I sort of cordially loathe passing on messages. (Though I'll adamantly deny it to your face, if you have a message for my passage. Maybe that's why people keep... oops.) Perhaps I shouldn't be a secretary. But it's not as big a part of my job description as one might think. Most of the time. >_>

It could be a lot worse. After I thought about posting this I dreamed I was asked to pass on a message that Mom had died. So, um, yeah. Worse.

At first I thought I dreamed Mom died. True, but "that's not all, oh no, that's not all." No, I was asked over the phone to tell someone else, and that was how I found out. That seems significant.

Though what it signifies beyond "Oh, crap, sucky nightmare," I'm not sure.

Sometimes the subconscious is a little too good at combining inputs and creating storylines. If you ask me.

Hooray! Fear!

I say this in a completely non-thrill-seeking sense. I'm also not talking about how fear is a good thing because it keeps us from doing stupid things, though that's true enough.

See, I learned as a child to run away from certain stressful situations. It wasn't a bad idea at the time. Sensible survival technique.

But our unconscious brains over-generalize, so I often still run away from things when I'm overwhelmed, even if it's the sort of situation where that's completely the Opposite Thing of Helpful.

Similarly, I learned as a child that when in out-of-control situations, I could gain some control back for myself via passive rebellion. The sort of thing that probably won't get you in trouble, or at least not very serious trouble, but, well, you're doing what you want, darn it. This was also very helpful at the time, emotionally speaking. (Probably not so much, pragmatically.)

Again, not so helpful now.

Because these are survival techniques, it really can be very freakin' scary to fight against them. It can feel like you're going to die. See, relationships and emotions are very important to our brains. Whether from an evolutionary (babies are one hundred percent dependent on other humans) or a creationary (our Creator not only created us in His image and wants us in relationship with Him and each other, but He created us to be one hundred percent dependent on other humans when we're babies, and created our brains to be good at survival sorts of things) perspective, it actually makes sense for our brains to encode certain sorts of things as Matters of Survival.

Even though they later end up being... not so much. Or even when, later on, the related technique hurls us to our doom.

This is why I'm glad to feel fear. Because normally, I've stepped back and retreated before I'm even conscious of any fear. If I am feeling very aware of lots and lots of fear, it's probably because I'm pushing myself, maybe even growing! I'm on the edge of Accomplishing Something. Something new. This is good.

If I have a dream where I can't quite manage to brake fast enough at stop signs and I keep rolling out into intersections, it doesn't mean that I'm going too fast in real life and I need to stop doing something; it means I'm scared of going too fast, which means I'm making progress, so FULL SPEED AHEAD!  >D

Disclaimer: There were other steps on this journey, before I could've been happy about fear. If I had read this blog post earlier in my life, I doubt it would've been helpful. When you frequently hate yourself (I occasionally still do, but it's much less common now)... well, this just would've made it worse. "Shame on me, fear doesn't make me happy. I must not be one of those people who looks on risks as opportunities. Because I'm a Bad Person."

If you relate to this disclaimer, please, don't worry about this post. I started with The Pathway by Laurel Mellin, it helped a ton with my depression. Knowing nothing about your situation because I don't know who's reading this, I don't know if it would help you, but it might.

Lag

Apparently it's still 2009 in my dreams. Or at least, in a dream -- I mean that literally, not that I wish it were 2009. In a dream last night, my birthday was coming up, and I was trying to figure out how old I was going to be. I thought for sure I was going to be 29. It was quite puzzling when the math kept coming up as 27. I checked it over and over. It wasn't until I woke up that I noticed the problem -- yes, 2009 minus 1982 is indeed 27. That would do it. Yup. I'm actually kind of proud that my subconscious knows the answer to 2009 minus 1982. Just arithmetic, but not the easiest to do in one's sleep. Also I am amused. Vastly. Thus the blogging.

Sundays

Let's blog about something other than books, shall we?  Okay then.

There's a clear danger to sleeping in the car before church (as one might do if one's husband has to get to church early to set up and run sound). The marks on your face from the closest pillow to hand (a sweater) might still be there when church begins. Beware.

I dreamed this morning that I was singing in the worship band in church, but that I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was having trouble holding my eyes open before I went up to sing, but I figured I'd manage once I was standing on stage. There were other elements to the dream besides that, but that's the one that sticks out in my mind now. I mean, I've had those dreams where you need to go to the bathroom. Those are kind of normal, make sense. But dreaming that you're tired? Come on subconscious, I'm trying to work on it. Shut up and let me get some rest, okay?

Church is one of those things where you don't always want to go, maybe you often don't, especially when you're tired, but you (or I, I guess...) are often glad you (or I) did. Community is so, so good. Even for us introverts. Probably especially for us introverts.

Our pastor said something today (in passing, it wasn't really a main point) about how common it is for people to doubt their salvation. I seem to differ from him in that I think it can be a healthy doubt. The Bible tells us to test our faith, 2 Cor. 13:5, "Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith; examine yourselves!" But the words he used reminded me of some things I have thought through before. Sometimes it seems like the more I study the Bible the less sure I am of myself. Back in my senior year at Biola I learned that the Greek word normally translated as "trust" or maybe "belief" in the book of John means something more like "entrust yourself to." We are to entrust ourselves to Christ, faith and action encapsulated in one word. I often don't live like someone entrusting herself to Jesus. But I've come to the conclusion that all I can do is cry out to God, "I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24)  What else can I do?  What other choice do I have? "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." (John 6:68)