Wrapping Up? (It Gets Better Part 4)

I closed Part 3 by telling you "how badly my mom was doing began to really hit me," complete with that link. If you haven't read it yet, you can click over and do that now -- it's essentially Part 4 of this story, and this post labeled Part 4 should be Part 5. Not confusing at all!

But I didn't say in that link how the trip down to California to say goodbye to my mom went, because it hadn't happened yet.

I absolutely love this picture. Somehow, amazingly, it shows joy and laughter as I sit by my mom, who's dying, and by my baby, who by the grace of God is whole and healthy even though her organs are in weird places.

Getting So Much Better (It Gets Better Part 3)

Parts 1 and 2.

I think I'd started towards scheduling my first postpartum therapy session already. So after a lowest point where, though I wasn't going to commit suicide, I still had a case of clear and definite suicidal thinking, I took the leap and told my therapist about it at my appointment, in early November 2017. My baby was born in late August, so I was just a little over two months postpartum.

You can love your baby with all your heart, feel intense gratitude, and still be depressed.

I agreed with her that it was time to try medication, that we don't earn brownie points for making things harder and more painful than they have to be.

I'd also already had postpartum checks and discussion with one particular amazing OB at my practice, I'll call her Dr. B. (She happened to be the first doctor, after we found out in the prenatal visits about my baby's rare and scary organ placement, who stopped and asked me how I was doing with all of it.)

Really, It Does Get Better (It Gets Better Part 2)

Part 1 is here.


Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts.

As I said, we received bad news at the 20-week anatomy scan in my latest pregnancy, 2017.

I never did get that one complication again, despite what they say is a 90% chance of recurrence in my type of case, but I did have other circumstances combined with my baby's weird organ placement that meant induction again, just in case it meant certain bad things, at 39 weeks.

It was another different experience, though it had more in common with my second induction than my first, so that was good. It went slowly until it didn't AT ALL -- epidurals either speed things up for me, or if it's just coincidence and it was going to speed up anyway, I'm still eternally grateful for the epidural, because I do NOT want to experience 45 minutes from 5 cm to the actual birth without an epidural!

But I digress. :) There was a NICU team there, but our baby was doing so well they decided to let her stay with me overnight and take her down for testing in the NICU in the morning, so that was good. Even though they had us track and report every time she spat up a little, and about how much.

The next few days in the NICU were only a few days, but felt longer. They felt full of inconclusive test results. And a spinal headache. The nurse who put in my IV for the blood patch to treat my spinal blew out a vein, and later I took a sort of fierce satisfaction in how completely awful that bruise looked. It didn't feel that bad, even that initial botched IV was nothing compared to induction or my headache, but it shocked and horrified others and I grinned at pain made visible. You know?

This is not at its worst. Not at all. Unfortunately I didn't take enough pictures of it! :)

It Gets Better

Grief, hope, healing.

It's the new tagline for my blog, the tagline I've been meaning to change to for a while now. But there are so many things I want to change that I put it all off.

At any rate, whether you're grieving or you're just sad and you don't know why, or even if you have postpartum depression but with other symptoms and you don't feel particularly sad (it's a thing) -- I want to give you tools for your mental health, I want to offer hope and come alongside you as you begin to heal.

I want to let you know that I've been there, and it gets better. No, I haven't been exactly where you've been; every body, every situation, every relationship and grief, is individual, unique. I certainly may not have had it as bad as you either, but I want to offer you what I have. Some tools I use may not work for you, but I hope some of it will be helpful. I want to offer you the life-giving, the lifelines that have been given to me.

"Pick what you like, then see how it grows."

Parenting three littles while depressed is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. A little after I was coming out of it a stomach bug went around our family, and I can tell you that a normal day while depressed is harder than a day cleaning up vomit and diarrhea without depression. Definitely, no doubt in my mind. #StillEasierThanPPD

But it does get better, it can, with some mysterious and magical mix of time, hard work, and grace upon grace upon grace.


Let me tell you my story, in hopes that my having been there will be encouraging to you. (The beginning of my story anyway, so I don't put off posting it for forever. Let's ban perfectionism!)

Begin Again Part 2

Begin Again: The Brave Practice of Releasing Hurt and Receiving Rest by Leeana Tankersley
Read: 4/7/18-4/24/18

Last week I started to tell how I found this book, and about my grief with my mother in the late stages of dementia.

I left off with listening to The Next Right Thing podcast, the episode Be a Beginner.

I'd just been told, by multiple people, that I didn't know how to do this, how to proceed, because I'd never done it before.

So this week, if you're in your own grief, anxiety, or transition, I invite you in with these words from the transcript:

"If you are newly engaged or newly pregnant or if you are a new step-parent or just moved into a new house, you are grateful for the new role that you have and maybe excited about the future. But there’s a lot you don’t yet know and there isn’t a handbook to teach you.

Begin Again Part 1

Begin Again: The Brave Practice of Releasing Hurt and Receiving Rest by Leeana Tankersley
Read: 4/7/18-4/24/18

This book is based on/inspired by the line in the Rule of St. Benedict, "Always we begin again." I absolutely loved it and would recommend it to everyone, but especially anyone who's in transition now, and especially especially anyone who's grieving anything.

Why? It's not a book on grief, right? I mean, "Hurt" is in the title, but "Releasing Hurt?" What if you just lost someone and the thing you're beginning is grief, and you're not ready to be done with that process yet?

This isn't a book that only applies to happy beginnings. Beginnings also involve endings, even the "my world is falling apart" sort.

I could give you a beautiful quote from the introduction to prove it, but first, let me tell you a story.

Here's how I found Begin Again. What I've written so far, anyway, and we'll finish the story and review next week. (Hopefully, that's the plan.)


My mom isn't doing very well. Nothing especially new there, but she's at a stage of not doing well that seems to be closer to the end, and I've been surprised at how hard it's been hitting me.

An Ordinary and Holy Tuesday

Someone, probably many someones, though I don't know who, have said not to compare others' outsides to your insides. And that's part of the trouble with social media -- it can make this more difficult. So, lest you see me at my best and think I have it all together... ( O_o )

This is Joy, if you can't tell. Ha.

Things I Learned This Spring

Cooper Mountain Nature Park

Linking up with Emily Freeman to share what I've learned this spring.

I'm learning, apparently, to ban perfectionism by keeping things short. (I mean, less than 2000 words is short, right?!) This is the furthest thing from an exhaustive list of what I've learned recently. I could probably write every day for a month on what I've been learning! And I'll tell myself that I will write that series, so I don't feel as bad about leaving things out. It's a useful and pretty lie, it is.

Here are two. Two things I've learned. Well, two categories. Two category iceberg tips.

1. The Enneagram. Mostly when I'd heard about the Enneagram, up until this spring, I'd kind of been like, meh, I like the personality systems I already have, thanks. Don't need another one. I'd heard that Myers-Briggs highlights strengths whereas the Enneagram focuses on motivations, but when you include cognitive steps in your Myers-Briggs you can start to get a bit deeper than just behavior and preferences, too. So meh.

Sadness. And Mothers.

Trigger warning: Sadness. And mothers. Clearly.


I learned this summer, three weeks ago, that my mother is now in late-stage Alzheimer's, and has probably about twelve months to live.


Womp womp.

I learned other things this summer too, things I want to share with you, but I couldn't put this one in the same post as all the bright and happy things. I just couldn't. They can exist on the same blog, and in the same heart, but not in the same post, not today. (Link to the bright and happy things forthcoming, if you'd like to read them. Watch this space. If you don't see a link on Facebook or wherever when that goes live.)

(Also there are other wonderful, funny, cheery, and deep posts over at the linkup on Emily Freeman's blog, here! And there's still some time to join in, if you want!)

Release Day for Not Alone

Do any of you remember when I said I have a thing, and it's getting published?! Today's the day, today's the day, guys, it's RELEASE DAY!! SQUEEEEEE!!

I've said some things about it in the past, but I shall gather them together here now, for accessibility. Here you go.


From last year, "I Have a Thing!":

"My 'thing' is a personal essay. It will be included in a collection about infertility and miscarriage, from Kalos Press. Mine is about miscarriage.

"'This isn’t a book that offers solutions – there are plenty of experts for that. Nor is this a book that expounds theological explanations for pain and loss – that necessary job is already well done elsewhere.

High-Risk Pregnancy and Feeeelings

Well, it's back. Intrahepatic Cholestasis of Pregnancy, ICP. (In the past I've generally called it Cholestasis, which seems clearer than using an abbreviation, but... ICP is shorter to type.) As of a few weeks ago, the night of July 28th.

No, I haven't been back to the hospital yet. This is from my induction with Gracie. It just seemed... fitting.

Sorry, this is going to be long. Very. This should probably be split into four, but it all goes together so I'm going to leave it together, sorrynotsorry. I have a lot of feelings, and it seems like a lot has happened in the last few weeks. And some backstory is necessary. The "tl;dr:" version? High-risk pregnancy MESSES WITH YOUR HEAD. 'Tis a roller coaster.

It's a Girl!

Gracie was right, we're having a girl kitty! Well, a girl, anyway.

(If you didn't hear the joke, here it is:

So we asked Gracie (codename) if she thinks we're having a boy or a girl. Apparently we're having a bunny.

— Marcy (@quettandil) May 10, 2015

Announcement and More to Come

Sorry I haven't posted here in a while. I've been... busy isn't exactly the word?

If you hadn't heard already elsewhere, this is how I announced it on Twitter:

Shirt fit more optimal later... please wait. pic.twitter.com/dERcU21lBm

— Marcy (@quettandil) March 25, 2015

What's Saving My Life Right Now

Modern Mrs. Darcy says this idea comes from Barbara Brown Taylor's memoir Leaving Church, that "most of us can easily articulate what’s killing us, but few of us pay attention to what’s giving us life."

A lot of this is in common with what I'm learning right now, or learned last year. I didn't make it into the what we learned in January linkup this month though (ah, to write faster!), so it shouldn't be too terribly redundant for you.

Okay, I didn't quite make it for this linkup either, but whatever.


1. Big goals.

I'd heard before that you shouldn't have too many goals going at once, but I'd always resisted reducing mine. Winnowing and those sorts of decisions are hard for INFPs. I remember reading from Michael Hyatt that your brain can only keep so many goals in mind at once, and I was like, "That's what writing them down is for!" But. He was right. Goals are about change, and there's only so much energy and focus and willpower to go around. Better to make the decisions on the front end.

Moments (and a few links!) of Joy

Chatting at the Sky: "The Spiritual Discipline of Wearing Better Pants"

"One of the casualties of my good girl detox was shedding my misconceptions about the spiritual disciplines. I needed to give myself permission not to practice them for a while because I couldn’t figure out how to do them without thinking I was earning something. 

"The past several years have been a re-entry of sorts into the world of the spiritual disciplines. It’s different now – kinder, gentler, tender, and more free. My definitions have changed as has (I hope) my demeanor."

Practicalities of Living Life in a Hard Season, Part Three: A Narrative

Practicalities of Living Life in a Hard Season, Part One
Practicalities of Living Life in a Hard Season, Part Two: High Sensitivity

Okay, so Parts One and Two explained my main dilemma, with two especially resonant links. Musings on the line between excuses and reasons, what self-care looks like and how hard it can be, and what happens when you throw high sensitivity into the mix. Keep in mind that, as I mentioned in the beginning, when I feel like my life is spiraling out of control, I tend to numb myself out in various ways, to gain a sense of pseudo-control. So not helpful. But not something I want to be beating myself up for either, because it IS understandable, and beating myself up just makes me feel more out of control.

I've been thinking about that sense of control and the narrative I tell myself. Why I really, really want a good narrative, one that makes sense of me, one that tells me how to work with myself.

Practicalities of Living Life in a Hard Season, Part Two: High Sensitivity

Part One was the beginning of my issues and my problem, with just a taste of solution.

Then there's this more recent link from Modern Mrs. Darcy, "Self-care for the highly sensitive parent."  Oh yes. Yes, yes.

Or how about I just live at Multnomah Falls?
That should work, right??

Add being highly sensitive into the stressful mix I described in the last post. That's great. Just what I needed. Tell me again why I'm supposed to be myself, with my own particular strengths and weaknesses, instead of being someone else? Someone else's strengths sound so much better... heh. Um.

Almost two months after I wrote most of these words, I sit at my computer editing, and remember words I highlighted earlier today in A Million Little Ways by Emily P. Freeman.

"A few weeks ago, I cried while reading a food blog. It wasn't because I was so hungry or

Practicalities of Living Life in a Hard Season, Part One

Note: I wrote most of the material in this post and series at the beginning of November. Comments on time frames reflect that, I didn't go to the trouble to update them all. "Last Wednesday" means the Wednesday before the day I wrote this in November, not actually last Wednesday. The "Merry Christmas" part is current, but not the rest.

Okay. That is all. Carry on.




Merry Christmas! This may not be the best time ever for a new six-part or however-many-parts series, but I've been working on this one for a while now (see above), and am feeling particularly inspired at the moment to finish it up and put it out there, so. *shrug* Eh, it's okay if you're busy with your family right now. I'll link back to it again later.

(And if you're not busy, or you're feeling particularly sad or lonely or let-down or frustrated or all of the above right now and that's why you're online, welcome! This is for you. Hugs. I wish I had easy answers for you, instead of my story. But I hope it helps a little.)

Unwrapping My Friday

This starts with someone else's post. Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Go read "One Thing My Soul Is Begging Me to Do." It's worth it, I promise. And then click over and read the link mentioned at the end, her piece at (in)courage. Got that? Okay, you're ready.


What does unwrapping my day today look like? It isn't Tuesday today, but most of my days these days are very ordinary, even the special ones, and I want to start this practice right this minute. Trying to remember the little ordinary moments from three days ago won't do, I want this day, now.

Happy Work

A few little things I wrote yesterday, almost put up on Facebook and/or Twitter as three individual statuses/tweets, but then decided I would like here, together.



Working on editing, and man. It is work, but this work makes me happy. ^_^