Practicalities of Living Life in a Hard Season, Part One

Note: I wrote most of the material in this post and series at the beginning of November. Comments on time frames reflect that, I didn't go to the trouble to update them all. "Last Wednesday" means the Wednesday before the day I wrote this in November, not actually last Wednesday. The "Merry Christmas" part is current, but not the rest.

Okay. That is all. Carry on.




Merry Christmas! This may not be the best time ever for a new six-part or however-many-parts series, but I've been working on this one for a while now (see above), and am feeling particularly inspired at the moment to finish it up and put it out there, so. *shrug* Eh, it's okay if you're busy with your family right now. I'll link back to it again later.

(And if you're not busy, or you're feeling particularly sad or lonely or let-down or frustrated or all of the above right now and that's why you're online, welcome! This is for you. Hugs. I wish I had easy answers for you, instead of my story. But I hope it helps a little.)

November Lessons

Back at the beginning of July I participated in a linkup with "Fifteen Things I Learned in June." It is, of course, kind of a regular thing. A monthly linkup. And I'm participating again! Finally! Here's the linkup at Chatting at the Sky, "Let's Share What We Learned in November."

From the serious to the silly, here's a taste of my November:

1) I need to limit my choices, duh! Sorry, it might be more "duh" to me than to you... it's a personality thing. I'm easily overwhelmed by decisions and things. My reminder/flash of revelation came courtesy of Modern Mrs. Darcy (also a strong INFP, yay!), in this post, "Concrete changes I've made because of MBTI and enneagram insights."

The question, now, is just how to go about limiting my choices... I can get so exhausted by decisions and I have so many options I want to keep open, even deciding how to limit the choices is difficult! There are so many things I want to do! How do I build routines that take that into account? Routines to change up the routines? I feel like I need a template for a template for a template. Yes, I know I'm ridiculous.

Related, but not quite the same:

2) Better to progress than to not act because you're trying to make the perfect choice. I guess I already knew this, but I attempted to take it to heart this month. I think. If I'm remembering right. Hey, I'm including it in November, okay? It's my post and I'll include this if I want to. So there.

Um. I mean, I've heard in a few places recently, like the book Quiet, that our society values action over careful decision too highly, and those of us who sit around contemplating really have something unique to offer, and often make better decisions.

Sure, but I've got it bad, and I can take forever just on daily minutiae. This is to help me dial back. (Er, dial back on the pondering, not the acting.)

3) I have a tendency to either run from myself (With books! Facebook! Twitter! Blogs! TV!) or attempt to control every last thing about myself (Plans! Schedules! Goals! Rules!). I swing back and forth between the two.

(Yes, even though I'm an INFP I have a bit of J in me, too -- I do like schedules and rules and things. At least... in theory. I love the idea of them. Carrying them out not so much. But oh, how I can dream!)

When my desires turn to addictions turn to digging myself into scary holes, I become so terrified of myself I try to plan and box myself into perfection. (Spoiler: doesn't work.) Two different kinds of running, really, and two different types of lying to myself.

I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be present, here, now. I want to show up and face my life. All the clichés! They're cliché for a reason. There are some things I should try to plan for (see above, about limiting my choices), but I don't want to plan all the things because I'm afraid of any desire or emotion poking out.

Hot baths always seem to reside in the middle, at least. Even though baths are so wonderful that they turn into something I "should" do, which normally brings the danger of the controlling-myself-to-death type of running, I can't seem to lie to myself in a hot bath. Though, I'll admit, I can compose overly optimistic future plans while soaking, even if I'm not actively running away from myself yet...

Great birthday. Thanks, Beth!

4) The Hyperbole and a Half book is SO. Awesome. It's like, one million awesome. Seriously. I think it might be the funniest book I've ever read. Plus there are serious bits that are also awesome. "Depression Part One" and "Depression Part Two" of course, though I already knew about those from her blog. And "This Is Why I'll Never Be an Adult." Classic. But also new ones (I think?) like "Motivation," and "Identity" Parts One and Two. I think. I can't double check right now because I've loaned the book out, but in some ways they struck me as sort of different takes on the issues surrounding "This Is Why I'll Never Be an Adult." As you might notice with #3, I can relate. Though again, different take. (And hers is better.) Similarities. They have them.

Also this song:



It came out in December, but that's okay, because I'm not counting it as something I learned. I'm just saying it relates to the other stuff. That's all. Don't judge.

5) I absolutely love Joss Whedon's version of Much Ado About Nothing. As it turns out, I had seen the play before, but it'd been quite a while. This was a magical way to be reintroduced to it. I've watched it just twice now, once with subtitles (because baby distractions); and it was even better the second time, with the subtitles (because Shakespeare). Oh, and watching it with the enthusiastic audience of a sister also helped. I DO love sharing things. Which makes the subtitles doubly helpful, as they probably helped Melanie's understanding too, thus the enthusiasm. Next I want to watch the commentary. I love the music, I pretty much love everything about it. Oh, and Amy Acker is brilliant. Many of the actors are, really, but Amy Acker, especially the "That I were a man" speech... *swoons*

Also great present. Thanks, John!

Technically, I watched this for the first time at the end of October, but I watched it a second time in November, so it counts. Because I didn't really learn how very much I loved it until the second time. Yeah.

Oh, and found this review of it later, while writing this post. Yup. In agreement.

6) I can actually publish blog posts on three days in a row! Woo! At least if I try to just make them short little posts. Of course, I might then only post up one more thing in the entire remaining month... Oops.

7) Taking a little partial break from the internet and such? Feels So. Good. Not checking one's phone, not reading blogs as much... I mean, I love blogs and such, I do. And I want to keep up with ALL THE BLOGS, which is impossible, and even when we talk about what I really mean, just keeping up with all the ones I like, it's still hard, because there's a LOT out there that I like. And I have a little girl, and etc. etc. But I am not quite exactly like some other textroverts I know -- unless I have some space away from the internet, it gets where I can't hear myself think anymore. There are too many voices in my head.

8) Baby (or maybe I should call her Toddler, now?) seems to like cats more than kittens. Huh. I guess it makes sense -- they're almost as big as she is. If I could see tigers up close, with no fear they'd hurt me, I guess I'd like that better, too.

9) Nirvana has an Android app now! "Enthusiastic cheer!"

10) Oh, how quickly a toddler can gain speed and comfort when she really starts to walk. Girl's getting fast. Also: Awwww! Kawaii desu yo!

Obligatory baby picture. Sorry it's not better. Did I mention she's fast?

11) We have a truly insane amount of onesies and rompers.

Board books for a sense of scale?

That isn't even all of them. There's a smaller stack of long-sleeved onesies behind that stack. There are more in the laundry hamper, and presumably more in the garage. Haven't finished going through all the boxes I'd packed away for when she'd be older, yet. She's older, now.

12) Stayed away from my baby for a whole entire night for the first time ever. It was... uncomfortable, still, as far as needing to pump a lot and it not being enough, but, ooh, it was worth it. Could have been better, as circumstances made it impossible for me to go to bed very early that night, but still. I woke up a few times, smiled, and went peacefully back to sleep. Bliss. Thanks for the birthday present, John!

Er, what I learned was that it's surprisingly uncomfortable still, but still awesome. I guess. I mean, I suspected as much, mostly. But hey, now I know!

13) WOW, is my girl introverted and sensitive. I mean, I knew that already, too, but it's rarely demonstrated with such high contrast as it was last Saturday.

My sister stayed the night, and Gracie hasn't seen her often, as she lives in Oregon. That morning as soon as Gracie woke up her emotions were all over the place, from joyful squeals to despairing cries. I thought at first she was on edge because of the stranger in the house, but no. In the middle of her crying we went out to the living room, she saw my sister on the couch, and... instant silence and calm neutrality while she observed the stranger. The edginess was just from being around the crowds of my extended family celebration for Thanksgiving on Friday. Recovery. She needs it.

14) Learned some things about intersectionality and what feminism looks like for people of color. I think I want to learn a lot more before I talk about it much here, though. Maybe I'll post a few links, soonish.

15) I'm better at Dutch Blitz (can also be played with regular playing cards under the name of Nertz, among many other names) than I used to be, many many Thanksgivings ago. Also, two-player is fun, provided game play is adjusted properly. If each person plays with two decks instead of one, you try to get rid of 20 cards instead of 10, with the assistance of five stacks instead of three.. yeah, it's fun. Also makes three-player seem pretty easy, as those five stacks make it feel like there's a ton of stuff to keep track of.

16) Not only is Toddler growing well now, as in the "Fifteen Things I Learned in June" post, but she even jumped up to the next growth curve, she's not on the very bottom line anymore! Woo!

Marian Call in Concert

Bl... Blogger... eevil... *sputter*

I wrote the beginning of a draft of this post a long time ago. A loooooong time ago. Back when I was pregnant (that makes it over seven months ago at the least), and I think before some of the pregnancy real craziness started (which I couldn't link to because I haven't truly written about it yet, so that's a link to the intro). Which makes it longer ago. Maybe even not all that long after the concert itself. Which was last July.

Then, last month, I finally wrote a continuation of the draft, at 750 Words. Today (er, "today" when I was writing this part...), I copied and pasted that continuation into Blogger to join the beginning of the draft. Noticed that it wasn't formatted quite right, so hit "undo" -- I was going to go paste into Notepad and then copy and paste into Blogger. That always works, it just needs some odd formatting stripped off.

But. When I hit "undo," for some reason the whole thing disappeared instead of just the part I'd pasted in. I hit "undo" again -- there was one time, as I recall, that this happened before, but for whatever reason the main part reappeared with a second "undo." No go this time.

You'd think I would be smart at this point and "redo." Well, maybe I remembered to try somewhere in there, but also somewhere in the mess the blighter decided to automatically save itself. The empty version. I closed. I reopened. Nothing. By the time I used "Revert to draft," (which you have to close to use, it's in the screen with the list of posts, not on the editing post screen) it had decided the "draft" was post-disaster. I didn't have that original draft beginning backed up anywhere else. As you have probably surmised.

AAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. *HEADDESK*

The thing of it is, it wasn't even that long or much. I know I had a basic structure thought out, and a bit of intro. But because it's been SO LONG since I wrote the thing... gaaaah.

Sigh. So my crazy late post about a concert that I wasn't remembering as well anymore (I mean, I remember it well enough. Just not blog post well.) but I was going to still post up because it's still worth sharing even in a very imperfect state... That's all still true, it's just even more imperfect now.

It was something about why it's awesome to see Marian Call in concert, and not just listen to her CDs. There were multiple reasons. I think it went something like this: 1. Awesome venue. 2. Sound quality and general live music experience. 3. Meeting her in person. Maybe?? I mean, that more or less fits with the draft continuation I have -- I know the beginning of the draft had some points written down, but didn't make it far in elaborating the points, so the continuation finished the elaboration of point one and then went on to two and three. I think. And that looks like what I'm elaborating. Wish I could remember the actual headings... and the intro. *grouch grouch grouch*

Okay. I'm over it. Really, I am. Marian Call concert was awesome and all that!

I took a friend, @Joi_the_Artist, for her birthday. A selfish, selfish birthday gift. Um. We both enjoyed it.

Awesome Venue

As you can maybe kind of tell from the picture in the post where I introduced the Marian Call series, it was a garden concert. I mean, it was at a coffeehouse, but in an outdoor seating area they had. It was beautiful and small. I saw a hummingbird during one song. Lovely. I doubt I'll ever go to a concert where I can listen from that close to the performers again. Maybe even not at future Marian Call concerts, even though she likes house concerts, because I was in the front of the front row.

How can one be at the front of a front row, you ask? (No, really, you do. Hey, ask or else.)

Well, (And here's where we switch to the draft continuation... yay! Kind of... I mean, it's not a continuation I was super happy with, but... meh.) um.

As I was saying, well, we were seated around tables, and though we pulled the chairs out to make wobbly almost straight rows, they weren't quite straight. So I wasn't just in the front row, but farther forward in that front row, by dint of being seated more beside a table than behind it.

Live Music Experience (or whatever this heading was)

Of course, live music is always better, anyway. I mean, unless the musician isn't very good, and uses autotune or something, and fifty bajillion gazillion takes to get one that actually sounds decent? Um, not the case for Marian Call.

On the road Marian Call only has a guitarist instead of all the instrumentation on her CDs, but she does so much with her voice alone that that isn't really so much a liability as... different. I like having the opportunity to experience her music both ways. Check out her live album to see what I mean.

And, then, the live album shows off another thing -- her intros! It's really fun to hear her talk about the songs. She pointed out for us before "The Avocado Song," as a California audience, that it's much harder to find good citrus fruits or avocados in Alaska than in California. They're a risk -- expensive, and you cut into them not knowing what you're going to get, a bad one or a good one. In the many times I'd listened to that song, somehow, I'd never thought of that aspect of the metaphor!

The ability to tailor a show to the live audience is also a good thing. Those moments when a train whistle interrupts a song and you wait and laugh together. The requests people make, the camaraderie of it all. It's a good time.

Meeting Marian Call

Speaking of which, I had a chance to meet her in person. Shortly after the event I think I remembered every word she said to me, which maybe I should have journaled before I forgot. (Nooo, I'm not creepy...) I wouldn't have blogged it all, but at any rate, as I've said before, she's a very nice person. When I told her my twitter handle (/blog name) she remembered who I was, and the same with @Joi_the_Artist. She signed our stuff, and sang happy birthday to Joi in... I forget what language. A different language. It was cool.

Loot.

I told her which songs my baby especially seemed to enjoy, based on the kicking ("Highway Five" and... "In the Black," I think?) and she commented that it made sense for her to like the ballads, the higher and slower songs. If I'm recalling correctly.

(In retrospect, it was probably because I particularly liked those songs -- since then I read a study somewhere or other that babies will react in utero even when their mothers listen to music with headphones -- they're not always reacting to the music itself, so much as to the mothers' happiness at the music.)

Anyway, basically, a good time was had by all. She's going to be in the area again this month, and I'm going again! Check out her concert schedule, and who knows? If you go to one in Southern California, maybe I'll see you there! Meanwhile, I do believe I have some music to go listen to.

We couldn't resist. It was tricky with a camera phone and the lack of lighting to get the whole word in frame AND make me visible (let alone to get a very good picture), but Joi made a valiant attempt.

Rhythm and Rhyme

I get Marian Call songs stuck in my head, and it is no bad thing. The other day I was struck again by her rhythm and rhyme, and the contrast with... other lyrics.

Take, for example, Weezer's
"I swear it's true
Without you my heart is blue."

(I admit it, it's not fair, this is not a random example. I picked these lines because they particularly bug me. For some odd reason.)

And then there's Marian Call. The lines running through my head the other morning:
"She'd collect on the cash, but her victory stung
She cursed at the cat that had captured her tongue."
 
Ah. Sigh of pleasure and relief. (Fun alliteration in this sample, too. Bit of assonance even, for that matter.)

Or how about:
"So you unpacked your camera to frame the good times,
And I nabbed a used napkin to scribble some lines.
The chemistry swept us both off our toes --
You shot no one else -- I couldn't compose --"

See, Weezer? Not "off our feet," but "off our toes" -- you tweak a cliché just a tiny bit, and your line becomes about a million times better. Objectively.

Dang it, now I have Weezer stuck in my head. ("Girl!")

Marian Call

Not the best pic ever, but I was busy listening, didn't want to spend much time attempting a better shot. Especially since I was in the front of the front row and feeling conspicuous.

A month ago I reviewed the song "In the Black" by Marian Call. I actually intend this to be the beginning of a series of posts about her songs, but I wanted to jump right in and do that review before introducing the series, especially because the timing felt so right.

So here I am. Introducing the series.

"Uh, who's Marian Call?"

Oh right, I should introduce her if I'm introducing a series about her, huh? Well, she's an indie singer-songwriter from Alaska who sounds a bit like Joni Mitchell, but with maybe a little more jazz influence, who writes songs with clever subtle lyrics. That's the short version. Arguably the rest of this blog post is the long version. Or, of course, you can click on the above link for info directly from her.

 

 "Why review her songs, when the vast majority of your reviews are of books?

 If you really have to, wouldn't just one post do? Like that post about Battlestar music?"

Glad you asked. I've been thinking about doing this for a while. For one thing, it'd be more efficient -- I keep gushing about her on facebook and in emails, but instead I could just link to these! Well, to some extent, anyway. I might not have to repeat myself quite as much, which would be nice. At any rate, I discovered through all the gushing that I have plenty to say about her music. I'd enjoy saying those things here.

I've talked with her a little bit on twitter (@mariancall), and when I mentioned toying with the idea of a series like this, but said my blog doesn't exactly reach that many, her answer was, "Hey, do it! I will enjoy reading them at least!" So there you go. That makes two of us. But I'll try to make them entertaining for the rest of you! Feel free to yell at me if they're not.

"But why listen?"

Why do I listen to Marian Call? Why might you enjoy listening to Marian Call? The fastest answer might be to go listen to some of it. She's put it all online to stream for free. But I'll admit, the first song or so that I listened to didn't excite me like this. I had another friend (@Joi_the_Artist) who gushed like I do now, and I listened a little more and more and more... Her songs really reward repeated listens.

Lyrics. Ohmygoodness lyrics.

Now I'll freely admit, I'm a lyrics gal. Don't get me wrong, the music is great, but that's not what made me fall in love. There are instrumental pieces out in the world which I love, and I'm pretty sure I've even loved songs which had lyrics I couldn't quite make out, or never understood; but... lyrics are pretty much the key to my heart. I'll even forgive some semi-awful music for great lyrics. Once in a while. (Didn't have to do that for her, yay!)

I mean, again, I'm Quettandil. Word Lover. This should surprise no one.

Ever watched the movie Music and Lyrics? You should, it's good. Hugh Grant isn't my favorite, but he's surprisingly perfect for a washed-up '80s pop star. Anyway, there's a novelist and a lyricist in the movie. The novelist has done something bad to the lyricist (I'm trying to be vague to avoid spoilers, though this isn't quite central to the plot), and someone makes a comment to the lyricist that writing lyrics to huge hit songs will "show him." Or something to that effect. She replies that it won't exactly impress him. (He writes literary fiction. Snooty stuff.)

Well, this wannabe novelist is impressed. I mean, Marian Call's songs have layers of meaning, metaphors all over the place, they're clever, they're most certainly not repetitive. Many of them are subtle enough that I don't catch the double meanings the first time I listen, or even the second or third or fourth, necessarily. Whether direct or subtle, they're always clever. (For an example of very direct and obvious metaphors, delightful and funny ones that make the song, you can either wait for me to someday review "The Avocado Song," or you can click here for the song and lyrics.) After listening to Marian Call, should I happen to hear some random pop song, my reaction tends to be, "Wait, that's all? You didn't have anything else to say? Couldn't have phrased it just a little differently?"

Well okay, music too.

No, of course the similar-to-Joni-Mitchell sound doesn't hurt. Or the way she makes the music fit the lyrics, in more ways and places than I've even noticed, I'm sure. "Dear Mister Darcy" is a good example, check out the recurring "...but not quite" bit.

Nerdiness

Oh, and did I mention that she has a whole album inspired by Firefly and Battlestar Galactica? Which begins with The Nerd Anthem? She does. Awesome, I know. Just keep in mind that again, some of it is pretty subtle. It's not parody. She has some things in common with Jonathan Coulton (the aforementioned nerdiness and all-around teh awesomeness, for starters, perhaps), but that's not quite what you should be expecting.

I don't know what to call this. Awesome philosophy and respect for both fans and art, I guess.

She has a pretty great philosophy about sharing her music. Check out this wonderful post about her Pseudo-Scholarship Fund. Very good balance between valuing the music and artist with making it freely available to people. Heck, it's not a balance, per se. It's lots of both. "Enthusiastic cheer!"

Bring the nerdiness and the awesome philosophy together...

And that was before Kickstarter really took off. I haven't spent a lot of time looking at Kickstarter projects, but even if I had, I wouldn't be surprised if I still thought the theme song and video to her Kickstarter project, "Marian Call's European Adventure Quest," was pretty much the best thing on Kickstarter ever. There's this cool game, and everything! Explained through song! Questing! Awesome prizes! Okay, that last bit's kind of normal on Kickstarter, almost by definition, but stillll.... Um, you should watch the video.

She's worth it. As a person.

She's nice. Kind. She really cares about her fans. On top of everything else, that's why she has my undying loyalty. And money. She makes it easy to realize there's a person behind her music, and to want to support that person.

She replied on twitter to my review of "In the Black," said, "I only just had time to read your 'In the Black' blog post tonight, and it really touched me. Sending good wishes your way. Thank you for really knowing and loving one of my songs. That is the highest possible honor. I made it for you." Awwww!

I was talking with her on twitter several months ago to arrange a physical copy of Got to Fly for a sister of mine in Hawaii, who didn't have the internet speed to download it herself. I could've paid for the download and shipped it out, but I thought I'd see if Marian Call had a magical office worker bee who could do it, and she did. I agreed to pay a little bit for her time. And then... March happened. So as we were finishing up the details, I told her "And one last thing: just received very very bad news this morning, and your music is helping, as usual. Thank you!" At which point she said, "Don't worry about the cost, it's on me." I explained that my bad news wasn't affecting my sister, who was going to be paying me back anyway, but she still gave the CD away for free.

This really touched me, possibly more than anything anyone else did or said at that time. It wasn't much perhaps, but the fact that she'd do it, as a stranger who had no idea at all what my bad news was about? It meant something, at least to me.

I would worry about telling this story, lest you take advantage of her generosity, but well, there's already a system in place for you to get free CDs from her if you ask. (See the Pseudo-Scholarship Fund, above.) Please don't abuse this. Because, as I think this story and others illustrate, she is well worth supporting. Heck, good art is worth supporting, even if you don't like the artist. How much more so when you do?

Concert story and pics to come!

Alright, I think this miiiight be lengthy enough. Stay tuned for a post about my very first Marian Call concert, just last week (from whence the beginning pic comes). It will be shorter than this one. Probably.

Because sometimes I run out of different ways to say "AWESOME." Really. I do.

Until then, be sure to check out Marian Call's upcoming concerts and see if she's coming to an area near you.

"In the Black"

"In the Black," from Got to Fly by Marian Call

In the Black

Guitar: Kyle Harrington / Piano: Paul Pew / Violin: Adam Stewart

You’re in the black – in the black – in the black — ain’t it lovely baby

Not coming back, in the black – ain’t you free

No more debts – no more threats – you’re in the black, baby

Left it all behind – must feel fine – must feel fine

But we  —-    wish we could see  you

We thought you might find time to write us now and then

You’re free —  now and you’re lonely

I love you, but please do not ask me to pretend

Come home if you want a friend

I’m right on task – since you asked – I’m doing great, really I am

I don’t blink, I don’t think, I just press on, press on

I’m doing fine – I’m not inclined to crack anytime soon baby

Left us all behind but we’re still fine – swear we’re fine

But we cry for no reason

Late at night when we run out of thoughtless things to do

You’re free now and you’re lonely

Please come home so we can cry with you

I hear that you cry too

We cannot bring you back when home’s not home

We can’t make you pay debts you will not own

We cannot reason with the unforeseen

We can’t compromise when there’s no in-between

CHORUS

This review is dedicated to my very very good friend Rachel. She and her family are moving thousands of miles away, and I'm going to miss them. Miss her. A LOT.

The song isn't perfect for this situation. I can't in good conscience appeal for them to "come home," this move is too good for them. But then, parts of it are still wildly appropriate, like "ain't you free / No more debts."

The phrase "in the black" is from Firefly, for Got to Fly is a wonderfully nerdy album inspired both by Firefly and Battlestar Galactica. The song and the phrase work on their own, apart from Firefly, all the normal senses of the words are kept in mind, but there's added meaning. Being in the black ("out here, in the 'Verse") has to do with freedom, adventure... and, well, yes. Freedom.

Rachel and her family are going on a new adventure, though it hardly feels like it right now, even for them. Again, I do not appeal for them to come home. Nor do I think I'm going to have to say, "We thought you might find time to write us now and then." But the sad notes are all exactly right. For that matter, so is "We can't compromise when there's no in-between."

This song has been a favorite of mine, an obsessive favorite, longer and more consistently than any other Marian Call song, I think. Which is saying something. The line that really gets me every time, the line that forced me to go back and memorize the chorus until I could sing it every time the mood or the thought struck me, is "But we cry for no reason / Late at night when we run out of thoughtless things to do." Along the same lines, I also love the entire verse right before it.

I'm not sure why I love it so blindingly compulsively much -- the concept is hardly new, in itself. Perhaps I've never seen it expressed in song form before? Certainly not expressed so well. Though many people can relate to the grief in a friend moving away, or in moving away themselves, the song works for, well, all griefs, all losses, as far as I'm concerned. I think of all the times I've been depressed, with or without a reason, and staved it off for a bit with a novel or the Internet or some game on my cell phone. But it always comes back stronger, afterward. Sometimes it can't be staved off at all. Those are some of the moments when I love singing this song. I also sing it when I'm happy, in memory and in gratitude for the music and words.

Rachel and Tim, I hope it helps you, too.

Those of you who pray, please pray for them. Pray also for me and for my family. We have other drama of our own going on over the weekend, about which I will have to remain vague. (I should pick a code name for it...) It's related to the vague stuff in the March Madness post, and it means I could be quite lonely this weekend.

Lack of extreme depression is to be desired (even more than usual), for two reasons. One, it's better for my health and thus for my baby's health to not be sucked into that blackness right now. Two, I need to get some unpacking and cleaning done over the weekend, which will be basically impossible if I'm stuck in a depression pit. So pray especially on Friday for me, as that's when it all begins, both Rachel's family moving and my family drama stuff. Thank you.

Just a little bit of BSG soundtrack squeeing

The Battlestar Season 4 soundtrack is even BETTER when I read the liner notes and find the translated lyrics. "All of this has happened before / And all of this will happen again / So say we all" in LATIN? Score.

And "The Cult of Baltar" ends with "Gaius Baltar, our divine savior, / Now and for eternity. / So say we all." In Anglo-Saxon. Is this not the most awesome TV soundtrack ever?

::Hums away, oblivious to any dissenters.:: <-- Which is good, since she might have to hurt them if she heard them being mean to her Precious. If, you know, they exist. Ooh, she could force them to LISTEN to it. That would take care of any problems. Especially if she also made them watch the show, first. Muahahaha!!!

Uh, yeah.

So, it's really good. Really very quite good. ::Backs away. Humming.::

Oh, one more thing: I have to listen to it even more to be completely sure of which are all my favorite tracks (especially for the purely instrumental work, i.e most of them, one track can bleed into another if you're not paying attention, doing something else while you listen... and there's just So Much), but so far I'm especially fond of "Gaeta's Lament" (duh, if you've seen any of my facebook posts or tweets about it), "Resurrection Hub," "Elegy," "Kara Remembers" (almost a spoiler warning for the video's title and description, but it isn't exactly, would actually mislead you if you hadn't watched the season... but for those who are picky, spoiler warning!), and "Kara's Coordinates" (SPOILER warning in the video's description, though, for real this time!). And, okay, "Diaspora Oratorio" (especially "Brothers and Sisters / Enemies and Friends / Embrace / For we have come home / Yet I weep / Not for the fallen / But for the unforgiven"). Ooh, and "Goodbye Sam" (she says, as the track in question begins to play on the CD player behind her head). Ooh, that's right, "So Much Life." Quite possibly "An Easterly View"... I'm a sucker for any inclusion of certain themes back into new tracks. And Bear McCreary does it so well. Sigh. And of course I have to finish off the list with the last track, "The Passage of Time," short though it is. So... basically what I'm saying is that I ESPECIALLY like ALL of the end of disc two. Uh-huh.

Hey, there's 34 tracks on these two discs. If you think I haven't narrowed it down... well, you're wrong. That's all. (Because I picked LESS THAN A THIRD. So there.)

Um, one last thing. The lyrics given with the video of "Gaeta's Lament" are also slightly wrong. ("This is wrong, too.") Here they are, as capitalized and punctuated and line-breaked and spelled in the liner notes:

"Alone, she sleeps in the shirt of man,

With my three wishes clutched in her hand.

The first, that she be spared the pain,

That comes from a dark and laughing reign.

When she finds love, may it always stay true,

This I beg, for the second wish I made too.

But wish no more, my life, you can take,

To have her, please, just one day wake

To have her, please, just one day wake..."

Anxiety and Peace, Exhaustion and Rest

This is not the blog post I expected to write. It started out, in my thoughts, in a tired and slightly exasperated place. Not angry, but definitely tired. A little ironic.

But I'm happy now (not that there wasn't any happiness before, there was), and a comparison at the end (which was there almost from the start) took its full natural progression (the major late addition being the penultimate paragraph, and the first sentence of the last), so now it is what it is. Yay.

I have a feeling I accomplished two or three full days' worth of work today, in the space of eight hours.

I don't have full-time hours at my job. I'm only supposed to work four and a half hours a day.

Oops.

I guess I'll work less when I get back, or something.

Hooray for vacation!

Speaking not of which, I'm tired. Or I was, when I was thinking of writing this. I've had a nap since.

You know that slightly panicked feeling? The one that comes when you know you really need to leave, if you don't leave soon you'll be working overtime and we Can't Have That, but you have to be sure to do X first, and oh, don't forget that other thing! And oh, was there something else? YES! There was! And it was vital!

You know, that feeling? Turns out it's oddly similar to the feeling you get when you're running at Seal Beach for Cross Country practice, doing laps from the pier to the jetty and back, and then from the pier to the other jetty and back, and then back to the first jetty and back... and everyone else on the team has finished the whole run, but you just made it back to the pier where they're waiting, and you have to turn around one more time and do the entire last pier-to-jetty-and-back stretch while they stand there and stretch and chat.

I'm glad I experienced that, and remembered it today. Because it wasn't as bad today as that was. Why, I didn't even hyperventilate! Not even a little bit!

Plus, it makes me associate the feeling with running, and I like running. I can't just think of anxiety when I think of running. It makes me think of peace and just-what-I-needed wandering thoughts and decompression and emotional processing and joy and rest and strength and healthy effort and healthy exhaustion and favorite places where I've run and the journeys we all must take and the natural order of things.

Thank You, God, for running, and beaches, and all other blessed Cross Country courses, and my own unofficial haunts near my apartment. For vacation. And for my job. And for music, for Marian Call and Kate Rusby and mog.com. Thank You for life.

Mairéad Ní Fhlatharta - Barr an tSléibhe - Abair Amhrán

I don't know what it is about this video and song exactly (other than that it's Irish), but I really really like it. I kind of wish she had a CD.