For Posterity

Facebook status updates from the beginning of my pregnancy. Because I promised, last week. Hopefully not too boring for those of you who have seen some of these before. You can skip it if so, if you like.

Yeah, because you needed my permission for that. Um.


3-15-12: "Melanie is right, the question now is clearly: 'Otokonoko ka onnanoko desu ka?'"

3-17-12: "There's stuff I should do, but I don't feel so good. Ugh. Not all that BAD, hardly worth complaining about, just a teensy bit lightheaded... but I don't wanna do stuff. :whines:"

3-20-12: "You know how you're not supposed to go grocery shopping when you're hungry? Wellll... You probably shouldn't go grocery shopping when you're pregnant, either. >_> And I'm not talking about heavy lifting."

3-29-12: "Stupid butternut squash. I was trying to be healthy. Why do you have to smell so... so... disgusting? I bet you'd still be good baked with garlic and butter, but this microwave steamer thing just isn't working out, sorry."

3-30-12: "Today I saw our baby for the first time!

I also went in our new first house and saw it for the first time.

It was a good day. Thankfully I remembered to bring extra food to work for before and after the appointment, so I didn't have to post status updates about gnawing on my steering wheel. 

Excuse me, I think I'm gonna fall asleep now."

3-31-12: "I remember the last time I was this tired: summer 2003; Oaxaca, Mexico; intense bacterial infection.

That was probably the tiredest I've been in my life.

Today might be a second, though I'm not sleeping much. Pregnant, fighting a cold, tried to help out a little at the beginning of Moving Day. Oh, and band practice before that. For some odd reason, none of my vocal teachers warned me singing from the diaphragm doesn't mix well with morning sickness. :) It's good I haven't actually been vomiting.

The energy just won't come back, once it's gone, wow, it's gone!

Also not a fan of this nausea-hunger warning system. 

Um, let me know if you're tired of pregnancy status updates. Otherwise I'm gonna keep on going. Pregnancy is just so... WEIRD. Exciting, but weird."

"Don'tbeafever, don'tbeafever, don'tbeafever, don'tbeafever..."

4-11-12: "I should've taken a picture of the amount of food I brought with me to work today. There's still some left, but... How is it disappearing so fast? Where is it all going?"

5-16-12: "Okay. Anyone out there have morning sickness past fourteen weeks, but not throughout all nine months? 

Pleasesayyes, please say yes, PLEASE say yes..."

5-21-12: "Good food. Stay."

5-22-12: "Breakfast: Round two, fight!!"

5-23-12: "Hmm. Just realized Kaiser gave me a medical excuse not to go to work, and I didn't even ask them for it!

From 'Weeks 14 to 18 of Your Pregnancy: After Your Visit

Your Care Instructions':

'Reduce stress

Figure out who or what causes your stress. Avoid these people or situations as much as possible.'

Heh heh. Totally means I should avoid work, don't you think? ;-D"

6-17-12: "Apparently being hungry when pregnant can feel at times like being constantly punched in the gut. By a baby. This shouldn't surprise me..."

6-18-12: "I hear hunger is Bad throughout pregnancy, but really? Waves of nausea like this? I think I still have morning sickness. If somewhat abated. 

Stupid metabolism. Time for second breakfast."

6-29-12: "Wow. Within a few days I've gone from 'Well, I think maybe what I'm feeling is the baby moving, but it's hard to really be sure' to 'Yeah, I'm pretty sure, this has got to be her. (Look, now there's pressure on my lungs! Now the pressure is on my bladder!)' to, well.

Let's just say I could now tell you where to place your hand if you want to feel her, too! ^_^ That wasn't even true last night. Er, not last night before I went to bed. I think it changed in the middle of the night sometime."


And then there was the time Melanie posted about a certain Dr. Seuss book, and I commented on her status something about how "I am NOT going to throw up today!" was stuck in my head, and it was her fault.

For the record, the morning sickness did eventually pass. And I "rejoiced exceedingly with great joy." Once I realized that it was for real anyway, and not just one of many fakeouts.

"Pregnancy Update: Overwhelmed Marcy is Overwhelmed"

So, there's this long blog post I wrote back at the end of August. I didn't publish it at the time because it felt too angsty and complainey. I wanted to let it sit for a bit, and then maybe to post it with a disclaimer that it's no more a true reflection of how I feel than it would be if I posted, "Pregnancy is awesome! I feel great! I have so much energy and accomplished so much today!" on one of my better days. There were... lots of ups and downs. LOTS.

Well, it doesn't seem as bad to post now, now that it's over. With a bit of editing, at least. It helps that I don't have to worry as much about unsolicited advice on the subject, months later. Sometimes you're just too tired to deal with people who want to help you with your tiredness, ya know?



"So, there are all kinds of posts I want to write. There's one I started already, about seeing Marian Call in concert. Then there's the one that distracted me from it, a sort of link roundup with a more personal bent... about sexual harassment and feminist issues and telling our stories and... stuff. All the links and discussions distracted me more than actually writing the post -- haven't started that yet. It's all in my head. I'd also like to do some editing on my Points System post and put a slightly sleeker version up, with a little less introductory rambling. (I'll keep the old version around too, though.) Because sucky customers share some overlap with creepers share some overlap with harassers. The three relate. And then there are book reviews I want to put up as well, including one of The Highly Sensitive Person and various thoughts I have on that, things it explains about myself, despite some differences I seem to have with many of the HSPs described in the book...

Ooh, I could have not just that "Currently reading" thing on my sidebar, but also one for "Last book I finished which really ought to be reviewed sometime soon." That could be fun.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I mean, I often have lots of blog ideas. Ideas which, even as single posts, grow rather long. That's not the issue. It's just, um... illustrative of the general feel of things right now, I suppose. It especially relates to that highly sensitive person bit. And pregnancy.

I'd like to start posting more frequently, reliably. Sigh. Also, there's this phone number I need to call to find out how much maternity leave I'll probably be getting, at what percentage of pay. (It's through the Diocese, not the state. Apparently.) But the phone number is on a piece of paper and where did I put it? I mean, since we moved a few months ago I haven't had time to develop all that many stacks of paper yet. Backlog's in boxes and stuff, I think I've been through all the current piles. Where are you? Bleh.

The nursery is a huge mess. I need to register for a baby shower, figure out what the heck we'll be needing. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm tired and stressed and when I'm stressed, guess what? I stop getting anything done. It's the first to go. I mean, I guess I'm glad I'm not an efficiency expert in danger of a nervous breakdown? Maybe? But I do wish I could muster up some getting things done when I'm tired.

I know, I know, if I spent the time I'm spending on this blog post on the nursery... but this is easier, and good for the moment. It's time for some, um, idea-letting (like bloodletting), I have too many posts, too many words occupying the space in my mind. Besides, I'm not a believer in waiting to play until all the work is done, because then I would never play.

I have moderate anemia, apparently. So that's not helping. Back towards the beginning of the pregnancy when they did a blood test my red blood cell was just slightly low, I had "mild" anemia. It's gotten worse, in spite of the fact that I started taking iron supplements after finding that out. I didn't take them completely consistently. In part I didn't because back then I often felt lightheaded, but then after a little while that went away. I figured I was better. Apparently not. I asked the nurse-midwife about it (because he was the one going over my test results with me), and he said my body had probably adjusted.

So now I need to ask when they'll test again. This is really bugging me. Apparently I can't count on a lack of symptoms to mean anything. And, well... the nurse-midwife, based on what he said at the appointment before that about my weight gain, seems to be the sort who tries to scare you into good behavior using worst-case scenarios (in a very calm tone of voice), but... he mentioned the danger of anemia during pregnancy is that one can lose so much blood during childbirth, even perfectly healthy childbirth, that one might need a blood transfusion. Placenta detaching, and all that. So he recommended I start taking two iron pills a day now, and I'm doing that, but how will I know if it's actually working? I'd like to know before the major blood loss. I think that would be good. Yes, I think I'll ask about that at my next prenatal appointment.

I've started feeling lightheaded again. At first I thought it was probably just in my head (It is, you're lightheaded! Ha! Groan.), or at the most I'm just paying extra attention now because of what he said. But it's gotten a little more marked, so now I'm wondering if something's messed with that purported adjustment. Could be a couple of different things. From what I've heard about how bodies work, even taking more iron more consistently could probably throw off adjustment, make it notice, hey wait, something's not right here. Or on the other hand, it could be the dramatic increased need for blood in the third trimester kicking my anemia into high gear, and with it completely throwing off the adjustment I'd gained, and it just happened to become really noticeable slightly after I was actually tested on it. Or something like that. I don't know.

And now I'm just getting crazy, but you know what else worries me? It is actually possible to slowly poison yourself with high doses of iron, and yet be anemic at the same time. And the symptoms of anemia and iron poisoning are remarkably similar to each other. Yeah, I know, it's not bloody likely. The example I actually know of involving iron poisoning plus anemia is a matter of a relatively rare genetic condition where the body stores too much iron, which is treated by bloodletting. If you draw too much blood at excessively close intervals, the body won't make the new red blood cells fast enough, thus toxic levels of iron still, plus a new anemia. I think to go the other way, you'd have to be anemic for some reason other than low iron levels (which does happen, and the first time a nurse went over my test results with me I think she said my iron storage is good) and then take lots of iron. I am taking lots of iron. But I'm probably fine.

Oh, and for those with various recommendations for me, yes, I know about high-iron foods, and that the body can probably absorb the iron in those foods a lot easier than the iron in pills. On the other hand, the amount of iron in foods like red meat is rather laughably low compared to the amount I'm taking in supplements. Sigh. Also, because of the increased demands in pregnancy (not only about a 50% increase in blood volume during the third trimester, but Baby gets first dibs on all the iron, for which I am Glad), what's worked well for people who are anemic but not pregnant might not work so well for me. And as I said, I can't trust a lack of symptoms to tell me how I'm doing, so... And then, on the other hand, since I remember I had to take iron pills even as a child and some anemia runs in the family, I'm not sure what worked for women who were anemic during pregnancy but aren't normally disposed towards anemia, will work for me either.

Besides, back when I was told I was mildly anemic I made an effort. I did. It's disheartening to be told sorry, it's just gotten worse. If all else were equal (which it's not, I know), your efforts apparently had a negative effect. Congratulations. Now try harder.

I am pregnant and anemic, which is another way of saying I'm tired, one that's hopefully less likely to elicit the response, "Aren't we all?" Yes, we are, and I sympathize, I do, but...

My blood sugar's fine, though! I do not have gestational diabetes. Yay.

I do have super-high-through-the-roof cholesterol. Uh-oh. Since both my parents have heart disease, this is very much in the category of Not a Good Thing. But... there's probably nothing I can do about it until I have this baby. I mean, I can change my diet somewhat, but my diet isn't actually that terrible... I think... I mean, could be better, but... and I checked. Even Herbalife's heart health products mostly can't be taken while pregnant. Garlic. I think I'm allowed to take garlic. Yay? Oh well. I'll probably live another few months.

Tra la la... okay, I feel better after this venting. Toodle-oo!

Oh wait, no. I take that back. Not the feeling better part, the toodle-oo part.

I hadn't posted all that much about pregnancy on here yet. A bit more on facebook. So... here, have many pregnancy-related status updates. For posterity."


Um, I take that back. This post is long enough already, I'll put the status updates in a new one, next week. But I wanted to leave the last couple paragraphs in still, because they amused me.

In case anyone was wondering, the anemia did in fact go away, taking two iron pills a day helped. And not taking them at the same time as drinking tea, as tea is an iron-blocker.

Coming Up (Later if not Sooner)

I wanted to post more between July and December than that one in September. There were many plans and ideas and interruptions.

First I was working on a post about Marian Call in concert. Started it, haven't finished yet.

Then I was distracted by John's Scalzi's blog post about Straight White Male being the lowest difficulty setting. I read the comments, I read links from the comments and the comments on them (the links), I read the follow-up and commented on it. I thought about my own experiences and writing a blog post combining a link roundup with my own story. It was quite a project. I have bookmarks, but otherwise haven't started it.

Then I was distracted by lots of pregnancy stuff. There's less urgency to writing about it now. At first, with each new development, I'd think about posting something here, rather than on facebook. But after starting on facebook, the later updates wouldn't have made sense here, without going back to the beginning. I didn't have the energy yet. At this point, there are things I want to remember, but I could just journal about them without posting them publicly, right?

Well, yes. (Though I probably wouldn't, I journal much less since I started blogging.)

On the other hand, coming at this from a different angle, I've told hardly anyone much about what my childbirth experience was like. I mean, it sort of got eclipsed by NEW BABY, YAY! Rightfully so. But I think it still makes sense to tell, especially because the scary parts of the childbirth (which there were, especially in retrospect when I'm not quite as exhausted etc. and can piece things together a little more) make me all the more grateful for Gracie here, now, healthy and beautiful.

So. Childbirth story. But that story begins with some of the pregnancy stories. For those who aren't friends with me on facebook, I will try to begin at the beginning. So. That will come next, I think.

Maybe after that I'll gush about Gracie Properly. Put up a picture or two. I mean, also for those of you who aren't friends with me on facebook.

There's this awesome and amazing thing that is awesome and amazing.

It almost feels arrogant to post a link to this. I mean, millions of people follow the people involved. Why would anyone who doesn't follow any of them follow me?

On the other hand, that still leaves millions of people who don't follow them, and a few of those might follow me. Especially since, you know, there are some people who know me in real life. Family. Friends. Anywho.

So... Patrick Rothfuss! Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess)! John Scalzi! Wil Wheaton! This video has them all! At once! If somehow you haven't seen that this video exists and I'm the first one telling you about it, here it is, watch it! Alright, if you're not familiar with any of them, it might be a bit confusing in places, or generally less awesome. It's possible. So, um, go familiarize yourself with their blogs? Yes, that sounds logical.

Hmm. But perhaps you follow them on and off and hadn't noticed this one yet. Or you'd seen that it exists, but like me, when blogs link to videos you add it to your "Meh, I'll watch it later" queue, or maybe your "That's awesome! I'll watch it later!" queue. In which case, I'm here to urge you to really and truly watch it this time, probably sooner rather than later. I mean, really. Rothfuss, the Bloggess, Scalzi, Wheaton! ALL TEH AWESOME!

Yes, it's almost 90 minutes long. That does take a while to watch. Almost 90 minutes. Maybe more if you ever have to rewind for something you missed, or pause because your baby started crying. But look at it this way, that just means... MOAR OF TEH AWESOME!

Oh, and they talk about blogging and writing and overcoming fears of what random internet people think to do creative things. And stuff.

With no further ado, The Story Board Episode 5: "Life Online: Putting the Meme in Memoir":

Postpartum Birthday Dreaming

I turned thirty years old this year. Yay! No, really, yay. I'll blog about it sometime. But that's not what this post is about.

I turned thirty eight days after Gracie was born. (Several days after that, Robin McKinley turned sixty. Coincidence? Um, yes.) I got some sleep for my birthday. It was delightful.

I had two noteworthy dreams that day.

In the first, someone gave me some sort of explosive for some reason, I think. I had to walk very slowly and smoothly with it, and other people were constantly walking too fast for me, leaving me behind.

Kind of like the slow careful hobbling around one does after giving birth... Possibly while holding a baby, even.

In the second... oh, the second. Oh my. Let's see. Well, I had to go to the police department and talk to a clerk to make sure they weren't going to arrest me. I'd been given a ticket, and John and I had mailed it in, but it might have been too late, I wasn't sure. So I had to go talk to someone and see.

The first clerk I talked to was quite mean. I told him I'd just had a baby on Tuesday. (Later I remembered that it was Sunday, and I'd gotten out of the hospital on Tuesday.) I told him I didn't remember the exact date of the "speeding incident." He said, "So you're admitting you speed all the time?" Don't ask me. I argued with him about it, but I remember that my argument was rather different from the one I came up with when I woke up. More along the lines of not admitting that I was speeding even on the day I received a ticket, I think?... but never mind.

The first clerk went away. I expected him to come back, but he didn't, so I left as well, or tried to. I think I got lost in the building, and they were closing... someone found me, I went back to the spot with the clerks... I think someone else was in line, but that guy was there all the time, so they cut him off and let me go.

This second clerk was better. This time I explained that I had a baby on Sunday and got out of the hospital on Tuesday, with trepidation that I'd get in trouble for changing my story, but it was fine.

And then... somewhere in there I think the clerk changed again, because I think at first he was a man, but later definitely a woman, but I don't remember any actual change. The infraction changed, too, something about knocking a road sign over, a Very Serious Offense. Because somehow in the next part of the dream I remember, she was proving that it couldn't have been me, based on the positioning of the sign, because I'm not lefthanded!!!

Yes, this clerk was much nicer.

We went out to the scene of the crime, and we figured out that actually a righthanded person could have done it -- a righthanded person could have thrown a snowball at it. A motion that crosses the body.

But it still wasn't me. Some suspicious person who carted snow out here...

Or wait! Maybe it's artificial snow, produced chemically! Further investigation showed that the ground under our feet had a suspiciously snow-like texture! And if you dug down a little, yes, it was cold underneath.

But then, once the snow was produced, I think we decided that the wind could have swirled it around to knock down the sign? It wasn't very clear. But somewhere around there we decided the area was kind of freaky, and that we wanted to leave.

So we did.

The End.

I ought to be sleeping...

...but... it's not that I'm tired of sleeping, per se... it's just that I'm tired of getting to do so very little else.

Yesterday my baby: codename Gracie (because Apocalyptica the Flimflammer is taken already) turned one month old. I know I'm doing well to be doing as much as I am, but that doesn't change the fact that I want more. I want more than to nurse her, burp her, change her diaper, burp and soothe her to sleep, fall asleep, nurse, burp, change diaper, soothe to sleep, grab a snack, unwisely waste some time online on my phone even though I could do that while nursing and I should be sleeping, nurse, burp, change diaper, burp and soothe to sleep, brush my teeth...

I mean, I have done other things. For example, two nights ago I went to SLOBS, a book club, and read For the Time Being by Auden with them. Lovely. But on the scales, against being on call 27/7, those other things... well, they suffice at first, they feel great at first... and then, hours back into the nursing and burping routine again, and I need another break.

This is just the way it is with a new baby, I know. If not much, much worse. I'm simply trying to explain, for my own sake if no one else's, why I'm blogging right now instead of using the valuable time to sleep.

And... I'm going to stop with that explanation. Lame, but I decided even before she was born that I'd like to try publishing posts before I think they're "finished," to settle for "parts" of posts, as a mind trick to get myself to post shorter pieces, and more often. Especially the more often part. Can't expect to ever do much with this blog, as I want to, if I don't post more often. Right after having a baby is rather a silly time to try to change that, but... well... I'm nothing if not silly.

Excuse me, someone is dropping her pacifier every other second, which means she's working up to the screaming hunger. Oh, wait, no, now she's falling asleep. I'm so confused. Hmm. Might be the power of "Don't Try" by Marian Call playing in the background. Maybe. Or maybe she just finally got tired of being awake. Meh. On to something else. I might even (gasp) read a book!